DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 27 year old cis virgin and I don’t like it, not one bit. Because in the year of our God Emperor 2023 confessing to being older virgin especially to women is an incredibly risky and stupid thing to do. It’s possibly the worst thing a man can be, in the eyes of society and lots of women literally no different than confessing to being a Neo Nazi or being a pedophile because nuance is dead and all male virgins are dangerous incels and all incels are virgins, it’s just not possible to separate the two. Like being a virgin automatically cancels out your good qualities; it does not matter if you walk dogs for your no killer shelter or protested for LGBT rights or even are just all the qualities that make a good guy because virginity will just stick out like a disgusting zit on the verge of popping. I understand where means fear and disgust of male virgins comes from considering the vile things they say on those boards (which for the record I’ve never browsed or been on them) and all violent attacks perpetrated by male virgins because their sense of entitlement to women’s bodies and thus because the actions of a few we get lumped in with em).
Plus being sexually active or “slutty” (in a non derogatory way) is empowering for women, like it’s good to stand up to slut shaming and wear your sexually loud and proud but the ironic thing is it’s usually these sex positive women who have the biggest disgust and distain for male virgins. Because to bring someone up you have to put someone down and why not keep kicking people who are already down and insecure. Because for men in this patriarchal society we have no excuse to remain virgins past the age of 18. Which really does suck navigating this shallow and vapid world that just sees one part of you as the sum totality of your character; its a sign that you’re a moral failed, sexually repugnant (experience is sexy after all) and if no one ever wanted to sleep with you what must that say about your character?
How have I white knuckled my way through this? Side with the virgin shamers because I don’t wanna be affiliated with incels because one aspect of me. It’s really the best way to reassure how safe you are to women that you’re not a slut shame by shaming virgins and bad mouthing other virgins, in my experience they never batted an eye or treated “virgin shaming” like a red flag. And yeah before the whole “women virgin” the only ones I’ve met a voluntary because they believe their virginity is only deserving for a quality man or they’re part of religious community like Muslims or Mormons.
Not surprisingly keeping up this facade that I’m not a virgin and that I’m “normal” really has taken a toll on me because I can only keep it up but at the same time I don’t wanna spill the beans let my dark shameful secret out or all the women in life will drop me like an unwanted puppy. So what do I do? Do hold in? How do I change my views of virgin and virginity? How do I navigate in a world with nothing hatred and contempt for you something you can’t control?
An Unwanted Puppy
DEAR AN UNWANTED PUPPY: I’m gonna do you a big favor here, AUP: don’t worry about any of this because it’s all fake.
I mean, your identity is fake – this isn’t the first letter you’ve sent in my dude, nor the first identity you’ve claimed – and the talking points came from the same places that think that “God Emperor” references are clever or go over the head of the normies. So I mean, have fun with all of that.
But also, leaving aside the fact that this is made up… virginity is also imaginary. It’s an artificial social construct, one that has no basis on reality and only as much validity or meaning as someone gives it. At most, “virgin” is just a descriptor that states a person hasn’t had a particular experience yet. Everything after that is 100% pure cultural baggage. There is literally no difference between someone who has had sex and hasn’t had sex and no way to tell. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either selling you something or desperately needs a refresher course on sex-ed.
And considering the state of sexual education in this country, that’s saying something.
Now the fact that virginity is an imaginary concept is easily proven. If, for the sake of argument, we accept that you’re a 27 cis male virgin, this is an easily solved problem. Hop online, read some reviews, find a full-service escort in your area that specializes in girlfriend experiences or nervous newbies, fill out her screening forms and book an appointment. If you don’t want to risk a run-in with the law, you can hop a flight to Reno and visit one of the legal brothels in Nevada. Many will even send a limo to pick you up at the airport. Pay the fee and bada bing, bada boom, you’re no longer a virgin, congratulations.
Except this is precisely where folks will start to insist that this doesn’t “count”. Which is precisely how you know that virginity is entirely a fictional concept; if being a virgin is just “hasn’t had sex”, then seeing a sex worker is an entirely valid way to lose one’s virginity. But if it doesn’t “count” because you paid someone… well that’s just a sign that what we’re talking about whether or not someone’s had sex.
The same applies for the kinds of sex that “count”. A lot of queer people have never had “sex” – that is, they never had penetrative vaginal sex. Many haven’t had penetrative anal sex either, in fact. But they’re also having all kinds of sex – just very little that involves penises going into bits. Once again, it comes down to pretending that some acts “count” and others don’t, for entirely arbitrary reasons.
And then there are the “re-virgin” options – surgically reconstructed hymens, evangelical Christians declaring themselves to be born-again virgins… all ways of reclaiming the title of “virgin” despite having actually had PIV sex.
All of this is about as clear of a sign as you could want that “virginity” is a purely made-up construct. So congratulations, AUP: you’re only a virgin if you (or the buds you’re trying to impress with your letter) decide you are. You can safely declare yourself to be a non-virgin and none can say otherwise. I mean, how are they even gonna prove it? Track down previous partners and demand references?
But more importantly: the talking points you are tossing around in your letter not only aren’t real, they aren’t coming from women. They’re coming from other men – especially from blackpill incel forums and the sadder ends of the chan boards – who are making things up out of whole cloth and putting words in women’s mouths. Imaginary women at that. This is just the same sort of echo-chamber reamplification of just-so stories guys are telling each other to make it sound like they’re hopeless and helpless and the lowest of the low, with little bits and bobs gleaned from discourse around the net thrown in to make it seem more authentic.
I mean, s--t, it doesn’t even make sense. If you honestly think that being the world sees being a male virgin is somehow worse than, say, the dude who shot a shop owner in California over an LGBTQ flag, then I would question how often you actually go outside or talk to people who aren’t on 4chan.
Similarly, siding with the “virgin-shamers” likewise just makes you part of your own oppression. You have an opportunity to prove them wrong by showing just how awesome you are while also having not had sex yet. But instead, you have chosen to harm others in hopes that you yourself won’t get harmed.
Or at least you would have, if this letter were real and I hadn’t decided to break kayfabe and point out that I knew about these and the previous ones you’ve written.
As it is, trying to be clever is a fine thing but sometimes a dude needs to log off, step away from the keyboard and go meet some girls.
But – as I would say to an actual person writing in – if you were to want to actually deal with the stigma surrounding being a virgin for longer than you’d prefer, the best thing you could do is to go outside and touch grass. Dealing with actual people, instead of the bucket-of-crabs that want to invent increasingly baroque social opprobrium to justify their self-loathing and keep others from ever climbing out of the pit of despair, is the first step towards recognizing the toxic bubble you’ve found yourself in. And once you recognize how the world doesn’t work on Reddit/4chan/incel logic, it’s kind of astounding how quickly things start to improve.
Go out and touch grass, dude. You need it.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, email@example.com