DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So my life feels more like a series of failures than a series of accomplishments. I even managed to get a job that would have perfectly aligned me to get my dream job, but bipolar disorder made sure I ruined that opportunity.

The last few women I’ve tried to date have made it very clear that because I’m on disability and only pursuing “dumb hobbies” like composing music or learning web design, I’m not worth their time. One of them said, “Just leave me alone. I don’t have time for people like you.”

Is it possible to find a woman who accepts me for who I am? Who realizes I might be crying nonstop during a sad movie one day and be bouncing off the walls after 3 days of no sleep the next? I don’t even want to imagine dating another bipolar person…my life is chaotic enough.

I guess my question is how do I find meaningful friendships or relationships? How do I find people who are fucked up in the same way I am and won’t assume I’m a lost cause? Thank you. Your writing has helped me more than I can put into words

Mr. Single

DEAR MR. SINGLE: This is a situation where two things can be true, Mr. Single. The first is that you need to meet a much better class of women than you’ve apparently been dating. Someone not just deciding to date you but insulting you for pursing hobbies they think are “dumb” or pointless is someone who should be scooped out of your dating pool and tossed into the trash. That level of disrespect is a straight up deal breaker and the most they deserve is a “thank you” for revealing themselves in this way, this early on.

The other thing is true is that I’m not entirely sure you’re in good enough working order to be dating right now.

If you’ve been a reader for a while, then I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about needing to be in decent working order if you want to date. This is a concept that trips a lot of people up, but I find it’s helpful to think of it like driving a car that isn’t in pristine condition. Not everyone’s going to have a car that’s still as cherry as it was when it rolled off the dealer’s lot. Sometimes folks end up with a car that is in less than mint condition. It may shudder and stutter as it accelerates uphill, the engine may knock or seem to struggle to shift gears at certain speeds, the radio barely picks up AM stations, you have to SLAM the door to get it to close, apply a little lift-and-pull to open, and you need to turn the key in just a certain way in order to get the engine to start.

But while the car certainly has its quirks, it’s still in good enough shape that it passes the annual inspection and it can be relied on to get people from point A to point B in safety, if not perfect comfort.

That’s what “in decent working order” means; you may not be in ideal shape, but you’re able to function more or less as needed without causing undue or unnecessary stress or risk.

It seems like you’re not there, right now.

Now, I want to be clear: I say this as someone who’s aware of what’s possible with a bipolar diagnosis and what it can be like trying to live with them. I’ve had friend (and family members, for that matter) with bipolar disorder, who had their condition well managed – to the point that you wouldn’t have known if they didn’t tell you that this was something they struggled with. I’ve also seen just how bad things can get when the condition isn’t managed, or when they would fuss about with their medication; they would take their anti-depressants but not the mood stabilizers to keep the manic phase in check. This sometimes lead to things like their car being found in Amarillo and their being found in Bismarck, North Dakota. Or that they’d sold all of their possessions to become a monk in Arizona, only to show back up three days later to an empty apartment and bank account.

(And in one case, it ended in driving the wrong way on the freeway.)

It doesn’t seem like your bipolar disorder is nearly that extreme, but one doesn’t need to hit that level in order to make dating a challenge at best. To be blunt, dealing with someone who’s crying constantly from a sad movie or being on day three of a manic phase is going to be exhausting for pretty much anyone to deal with. Even you don’t want to date someone who deals with the same issues you do. That should tell you a little about what needs to be done here.

And honestly, there’s a difference between finding people who don’t think you’re a lost cause and needing someone “as fucked up as you” – and frankly, that’s a framing I find troubling. People can have empathy and compassion and understanding for the struggles that come with a mental health condition without needing to be “as fucked up”. But at the same time, there’s a difference between finding someone who has compassion and understanding and not making the effort to manage your condition so that your partner doesn’t have to manage you on top of her own life. Especially if things are so bad that you’ve had to go on disability.

And believe me, I’m sympathetic to just how fucked health care, especially mental health care is in this country, and what a fucking trial it can be to get both the regular care and the necessary medications. But that’s still something that you’re going to have to make a priority if you want to date. If you’re not willing to date someone who behaves like you do… well, why would someone else? The course of true love never did run smoothly, but there’s not running smoothly and then there’s not trying to run a trail that’s full of deadfalls, snares and hurdles.

Now with all that being said, there’s one thing that leapt out at me: one of your previous dates said “Just leave me alone. I don’t have time for people like you.” I would be curious as to what the context of that quote is. The way its phrased sounds like it could be either someone who’s rejecting you right off the bat because of your condition or someone who’s getting frustrated that you aren’t taking the hint that they’re not interested. If it’s the former – well, I stand by my “you need to date a better class of people”. But if it’s the latter… well, again, having seen how some folks with bipolar disorders can be, that ends up being another mark in the “make getting your condition under control” column.

Make your mental health a priority and get it managed. Like I said: you don’t need to be in perfect, neurotypical shape to date… but you do need to be in decent working order. It sounds like you’re not there, yet.

And when you are? Ditch whatever app or venue where you’re meeting these women from before. You deserve better than that.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It’s been a while since I last asked (I was the LW who wrote in for “Rebuilding the Life He Ruined”), and while I did take the lessons there to heart, it’s more like a concerted effort of nailing a box of Jell-O to a tree, nothing is sticking.

I guess I’m writing again from a dark place in life. First off, I’m graduating. Yipee! I can finally be an indie game developer as I dreamed of when I took my Computer Science courses! But unfortunately, I cannot really be happy about it.

I’ve been having dreams of reunions with my friends from junior high, but whenever I tried to reconnect with them, I just get met with radio silence. Even letting days pass to cool down, and still no response. Pretty much just confirmed to me those friendships are long since gone, since if I keep pushing, I’m gonna come off as a needy a--hole.

And for the most part, I am living by myself at this point. I’m living with my parents, sure, but the most they do is come home from work, eat dinner, then go to bed, minimal discussion between all of us, so it may as well be as good as living alone.

And I have to say, I think I might be losing it. I hate being alone with my thoughts. (Usually thoughts of me or my family dying of rabies from an unseen bat) And really, trying to fill the void with new friends hasn’t been working well, since I can’t bring myself to talk to people I barely know nor care enough to know.

I wanted friends I can share my creative writing stories and game ideas with, all this creativity, and I’m the only one at the museum. At the same time, this runs the risk of coming across as the “guy that just wants to sell his mixtape”. And I honestly see myself falling down the rabbit hole of seeing the ‘power of friendship’ as bulls--t since it didn’t work for me and kinda resonating with Adachi from Persona 4 (which isn’t a good sign).

Which brings me to my next point, “the level grind to betterment”. I saw comments relating to videos analysing Adachi and most of them call out others like “if only you actually TRIED to make friends” or “if only you TRIED to put in the work”, which I’m not disagreeing with. But at the same time, I see the grind to betterment as traversing the Darkest Dungeon. Trials happen, Stress increases, and there’s only so much anyone can take before they hit a Stress threshold and give up.

So I guess what I’m asking is, how do I recover from pretty much what’s left of my entire support network just being flicked off overnight and how do I push the level grind without, you know, being beat down further by getting seemingly nowhere?

I would see a shrink, but honestly, after just having had to bury my aunt four days after my graduation, the funeral expenses dented the budget, and I wouldn’t risk starving just to see to my mental health.

– Lost, Lonely, Grieving

DEAR LOST, LONELY, GRIEVING: OK, LLG, I’m saying this as compassionately as I can: the reason why you’re still dealing with these issues – the whole “nailing jello to a tree” thing – is because you desperately need to be talking to a therapist.

This hasn’t changed since the last time you wrote in. That whole “thinking about me or my family dying from being bitten by rabid bats” is very much the sort of intrusive thought that tends to accompany issues like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. And not to put too fine a point on it, talking about resonating with a character who’s whole thing is being so self-isolating that he becomes a serial killer of women is not a great indicator that you’re in good working order. Especially when much of Adachi’s circumstances are self-inflicted.

Part of the problem is that you’re not moving on. Your junior high friends have made their lack of interest obvious; no reply is a reply. At best, all you’re doing there is trying to tap a dry well. You’re wasting your time and resources pursuing it for no reason other than it seems like they’re the last batch of people you hadn’t alienated yet.

And honestly, I’m not surprised you’re having issues, considering that you veer between wanting to make friends but also apparently being either apathetic about the people you meet or feeling active dislike for them. Neither attitude is going to endear you to others.

Part of the problem is that you’re isolating yourself to an absurd degree. You have, quite literally, made yourself alone in the crowd. You aren’t talking to anyone. Not family, not friends, not strangers. Being social is like a muscle; you improve it by exercising it. But if you don’t work it, it starts to atrophy. That lack of social skills and unwillingness to work at them has bitten you in the ass before. The fact that little seems to have changed hasn’t helped.

I know you feel like you’re trying to explain things in metaphor with your game references, but what you’re actually doing is giving reasons why you “can’t”. It’s hard, sure, but it’s necessary. If you need to take it in stages or take it more slowly than you’d prefer because you need to build your emotional stamina or work within your circumstances, then recognize that part of the grind is learning how to work within your limits and how to expand those limits over time.

But before you do that, you have to accept that this is going to take work, it’s going to take time, and the “power of friendship” ending comes after the person has actually worked on having friendships. That doesn’t seem to have been happening… and considering the s--t that went down in your last letter, I’m not entirely surprised.

But more than anything else is the fact that you, again, desperately need the sort of help that can only come from working with a trained mental health professional, not a loudmouth with an advice column. That much hasn’t changed, and honestly, until it does, nothing is going to get better. That’s going to be the long and short of it. This is going to need to be a priority for you if you want to move forward and actually improve.

Your aunt passed away recently and you have my sympathies. You having to deal with funeral expenses is, likewise, a shame and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. But this is one of those times when, if you want things to get better, you’re going to have to make some hard choices and figure out how to make things work. And quite frankly, if you don’t figure out how to make those choices for yourself, they’re going to end up being made for you, and in ways that you’re probably not going to like or appreciate.

This is the time when you need to start taking some serious steps to figuring out what you can do to get the help you need. This may mean asking your parents for financial assistance until the bite that the funeral expenses took out of your budget is eased. It may mean looking into what social services are available to you, either through your local municipality or through the university; many still have options for recent graduates, or could help you find someone who’s willing to work with you on a reduced-cost basis.

But if things are this bad and you’re sincerely worried about where it could possibly lead if you don’t halt the descent? Then you need to put your money where your mouth is, metaphorically and literally. You are well past the point where this is something that you can muscle through on your own.

Get help. Get professional help that actually addresses the underlying problems you’re facing, because this isn’t a case of having been abandoned for no reason or people maliciously dropping you like fifth period French. You’re still dealing with some significant mental health issues and it’s well past time to address them.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: One of the most common pieces of advice that I’ve received as a male looking to date women is to “be confident”. This sounds good on surface, but it’s something that I’ve really struggled with.

In particular, I have some serious insecurities around dating, and I feel like these insecurities make me incredibly undesirable. After all, it means that I’m not confident, and according to Reddit (not the best place for advice, I know), an insecure man is deeply unattractive. He’s seen as weak and needy. Of course, this makes me even more insecure.

Another thing that I’ve struggled with is that I’m not stereotypically “masculine”. I’m not necessarily “take-charge”, “confident”, and “cool”. I consider myself to be a kind person, both to men and women, and like to connect with my partners deeply. I want to be loved and admired, and I often feel needy because of it. One thing that really bothers me is the “nice guy” trope. While I’ve never been nice in a manipulative way, nor gotten upset at a woman for telling me “no” (I always respect others’ boundaries), I still feel bad. I feel like my kindness and need for connection are “non-masculine” and unattractive. This ties in with my struggles with confidence too. I will say that many of my behaviors tended towards those who have anxious attachment, meaning I can be somewhat of a people pleaser (usually in romantic situations only though). Of course, I understand that this is something that I should work on for the sake of my own happiness, and I’ve made efforts to do so. For example, I’m now very up-front with my feelings for someone — if I want to get my needs met then I must voice them.

But still, I really feel lonely and undesirable. I know that I shouldn’t depend on external validation to feel good. But at the very least, even if I’m not being actively pursued by anyone, I want to feel *worthy* of being desired. Instead, all I’ve gotten is shame. Most online dating advice perpetuates shame and self-hatred, and then turns around to tell you to be more confident if you ever want to find love. Reddit is particularly culpable of this. Yours is one of the few that I feel are actually helpful and not toxic, which is why I’m reaching out to you.

Why is my confidence so important? Why am I not worthy of love without it? I just want to be told that who I am as a person *is* enough, and that I don’t need to radically transform myself to be worthy of love. Of course, that doesn’t mean that self-improvement is out the window — I strongly believe in becoming the best version of ourselves. But this should be internally motivated by your values, not externally by what is deemed “desirable”. Right now my pursuit of “confidence” seems to be an effort to be more “traditionally masculine”, and thus more attractive. If I felt no external pressure to be confident, of course I would still want to improve it, but I wouldn’t place my entire sense of worth into it, nor feel so bad or anxious about it being low. But unfortunately, it feels like no woman will really respect or desire me until I do improve it — and if I ever lose it, then it’s over. This feeling is likely exaggerated in some way, but I need support for an alternate point of view. I want to feel worthy of love as I am.

The pursuit of confidence is precisely what makes me so insecure. It is precisely what makes me feel unworthy of love, and that’s something that I want to change. Nobody deserves to feel undesirable and unworthy of love.

Insecure Young Adult 

DEAR INSECURE YOUNG ADULT: OK, IYA, there’re more than a few misunderstandings and disconnects going on here, but I want to start with this one: confidence and being confident isn’t a prerequisite to being worthy of love. When people talk about the importance of traits like confidence, they’re not saying that people without them are “unworthy”. You’re confusing and conflating “unattractive” with “unworthy”, which are two very different things. You can be worthy of love, but not be attractive to someone. Attractiveness, after all, is very much in the eye of the beholder. You can show me the prettiest person on the face of the planet and there’ll still be folks who wouldn’t f--k them with borrowed genitals and the celebrity of their choosing to do the pushing.

Whether you’re attractive or not to somebody isn’t about worth. Worth and worthiness doesn’t come into it. Or, rather, not in the way that you think.

Here’s the thing though: worthiness and unworthiness are tied to confidence… the fact that you describe yourself as being unworthy is where that lack of confidence comes into play. Your lacking confidence in yourself is a big part of why you feel unworthy; you see these aspects of yourself and think it makes you undeserving of love. This is very much a case of “the call is coming from inside the house” – or, more accurately, inside your head.

The concept of confidence and self-confidence is one a lot of people get wrong. I could fill a book with the number of letters and conversations I’ve had with people who think that confidence is tied to success or dependent on achievement. But that’s not true at all; you can see people all the time who’ve achieved amazing things who are deeply insecure and lack confidence.

Ever notice how thin-skinned certain tech leaders and “billionaires”, especially ones running social media sites into the ground can be? You’d think that, with all their money and all their supposed influence and skill, they’d be the most confident, secure people in the world. Except they very clearly thirst for approval and acclaim from others that they never get and never will.

Similarly, ever notice how much the so-called “alpha males” lose their s--t as soon as anyone questions them? Half of the “alpha” philosophy of folks like this is to respond to “challenges” and “establish dominance”, which tends to show just how very fragile their egos and sense of confidence they can be. One would think that these masters of the universe would snicker and just go about their day, instead of leaping into the fray as soon as someone looks sideways at them. But they don’t, precisely because they don’t feel confident in themselves. It’s very much posturing and bluster, not something they feel within.

Confidence isn’t about achievement. Confidence isn’t about proving you’re the biggest swinging dick on the block. Confidence is about knowing yourself, being sure of yourself and – importantly – being comfortable with yourself.

Now, let’s take a step back and look at the way you describe yourself in your letter: you talk about feeling bad about yourself for being “non-masculine” or about not being “take charge” or “cool”. More to the point: you make it clear that you feel like these are deficiencies in your character, things that you need to fix.

But what if I told you that being confident isn’t necessarily about “fixing” these things? What if I told you that confidence is about owning those aspects of yourself as just who you are and being cool with it being part of who you are. You’re not the dominant leader of the group, not the “Crunch Buttsteak” of every room you enter. And? Not everybody is, nor do they need to be. There’s nothing unmasculine about being caring or emotional, tender or gentle. Not everyone wants to date Blast Hardcheese, and not everybody wants to be him. Rather than lamenting your “lack of masculinity”, how about just recognizing that you are who you are and that’s part of what makes you uniquely you and uniquely awesome. Are you “manly”? Well… are you a man? If the answer is yes, hey, welcome to manliness. You do man s--t because what you do as a man is man s--t. A man with traditionally femme-coded traits is no less a man for having those traits; that’s just his version of manhood. Masculinity isn’t tied to the incredibly narrow, restrictive ideas that ultimately lead to misery, emotional isolation and an inability to trust or rely on anyone.

Now, where things go wrong is in neediness and being a people pleaser. There’s a difference between not necessarily being “take charge” and letting people walk all over you, or relying on other people for your sense of self-worth and emotional well-being.

Part of the reason why neediness and insecurity are unattractive is because of what it says about the person expressing it; why should someone be into them if even they don’t believe in themselves? Forgive a problematic metaphor, but would you buy a product that mostly apologizes for its existence? Would seeing something advertised as “We’re just not as good as the other guys” inspire you to try it?

But the other part of why neediness is unattractive is because of what it asks of other people – especially the people you’d want to be in a relationship with. Neediness and relying on external validation means that the needy person is going to be relying on someone else to handle their emotions for them. Most people aren’t going to be interested in that; they have enough on their plate dealing with their own issues. The people who are the most interested in dealing with someone who’s needy or relies on external validation are almost always people you don’t want to be with. They’re the ones who rely on someone’s lack of self-worth and self-security because those people rarely have strong boundaries. Grifters, scammers, toxic “friends” and partners rely on the needy and insecure because they’re so easy to take advantage of.

A person who’s secure in themselves, who has no problem saying “no” or refusing to set themselves on fire just to keep someone else warm – especially someone who doesn’t care if they burn out – isn’t going to tolerate behavior like that. They’re not going to allow the users and toxic people to maintain a hold on their life. There may not be a way to keep toxic folks from showing up, but they sure as f--k don’t let them stick around.

Right now, it sounds like you’re relying a lot on other people’s opinions to decide whether you’re “worthy” and it’s causing you no small amount of pain. That is precisely why external validation is a trap; you are basing your entire sense of self on the opinions of others, including faceless strangers on the Internet who have absolutely no idea who the f--k you are. You will never feel confident or “worthy” as long as that’s true, because you will be putting your entire sense of self and self-worth into the hands of others. You are surrendering control to people who often have no interest or motivation to keep propping you up and may well have a vested interest in keeping you feeling insecure and like you need to sacrifice your own needs to the whims of others.

This is why validation needs to come from within, first. The approval of others – people whose approval may be worth seeking – is great… but it can’t be the most important thing. You have to believe in your own worth and approval first.

This is why, for example, focusing on being your best self is about being your best authentic self. If you’re a quiet, gentle soul, then you want to be that and love yourself for it, rather than trying to force yourself into being Slab Squatthrust. It’s why self-compassion and acceptance is as important as self-confidence. That compassion brings understanding. And that understanding of yourself helps you be authentically who you are and to be cool with being who you are.

But it’s also why you can’t rely on things like dodgy subreddits to tell you what you “need” to be, especially when you’re already willing to put the untested opinions of total strangers on such a high pillar that you feel like you’re “unworthy” because of it. That’s where the lack of confidence is coming in. Be willing to look at advice which may be irrelevant to you or even just plain wrong and say “nah, that’s not it” and move on without worrying that maybe they’re right and you need to change everything about yourself.

Yes, work on your insecurities, that part’s important. Work on not being a people pleaser or letting other folks walk over you, rather than being willing to stand up for yourself, advocate for your own needs and to draw a line between what you will and won’t accept. That lack of willingness to be your own advocate is what women won’t respect, because women aren’t looking for doormats any more than they’re looking for someone to “keep them in their place”.

But you also have to look at yourself and like who you are for who you are – not who others have told you that you “need” to be. You can cosplay the Dominant Alpha Male all you want, but not only will that never fit you properly, but it’s not even what most people actually want in a partner… and it certainly won’t mean that you’d be dating people you would want to date.

Which is part of where confidence come back in. If you want women to be attracted to you, do you want women who want who you are trying to pretend to be? Or do you want women who are attracted to you for who you actually are? Because hey as it turns out? What women are most attracted to is the intersection of confidence and kindness.

Learn to like yourself first. Be your best self… but your best self is still your true self. If that person’s kind, gentle, not necessarily the loudest or most strident voice in the room, that’s great. There’s a difference between that person and someone who’s given up any semblance of control of their own sense of self to others.

Be who you authentically are and love yourself for it. Don’t let other people tell you that you’re wrong for doing so. That’s where true confidence comes from.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com