DEAR NATALIE: I caught Covid-19 last summer and so did my boyfriend. For him, it was a bad cold. For me, I ended up with long-Covid and my symptoms are still lingering. It has greatly impacted the quality of my life. I am 24 years old. While we both were vaccinated and usually masked everywhere, I did perform in a band unmasked, which is how I caught the virus. My boyfriend and I live together, so we both test regularly, mask in indoor spaces and do what we can to mitigate our risk. However, over the course of the past six months, my boyfriend and I have been invited out less and less because we want our friends to mask and test before we see them. I am too scared to be reinfected because of my horrible symptoms. My boyfriend’s friends are saying that I am “too controlling” and that he should break up with me. Most people in our social circle have told me straight up “they don’t care about this anymore” and to stop worrying so much. How is it that I feel like I’m the bad guy here? I am so isolated – emotionally and physically – and I am so afraid my boyfriend is going to break up with me. I’m in grad school, I work at a coffee shop – I live life. It's just when I see our friends at concerts or taking plane trips without masks, is it so much to ask that they test and mask when we hang out? This is an issue wedging between me and my boyfriend and I’m afraid he’s going to leave me. What should I do? –FEELING GASLIT

DEAR FEELING GASLIT: We are truly living in a twilight zone. How is it that you are seen as “controlling” for wanting to slow the spread of an airborne disease that is killing millions and leaving millions more disabled and unable to contribute to society? I completely understand where you are and I empathize deeply with you. Those of us still masking in public spaces, being mindful of eating indoors, and generally avoiding crowded areas or events are seen by some as overreacting, or as paranoid hypochondriacs. But we aren’t. You aren’t. You are trying to avoid a debilitating and potentially deadly disease. You are trying to avoid spreading it to others. Who would have thought that public health would take this kind of a turn? Where the idea of free masks, free tests, up-to-date data in our communities, improved ventilation of indoor spaces and life-saving vaccines would be sneered at? These things should be normalized as we learn to live with the virus running rampant among us. We now know that every reinfection increases our chances of long-term disability and serious health problems. We have no social safety nets to protect us in the United States. So we have to do everything to protect ourselves. I would tell your boyfriend exactly what you just told me. Explain to him where you are emotionally and mentally. All of us are wishing Covid was over. But ignoring reality and living in denial won’t make it go away. No one is saying that you can’t or shouldn’t live life. But if he wants to go out with friends without a mask or be at a concert or large gathering, the least he can do is wear a mask around your home for a few days after and test 24-to-48 hours after potential exposure. There are compromises here. But, if he insists on being unmasked everywhere, including work (if he works in a public space) then you may have to reconsider living with him. If the risk is too high for your health, you have to ask yourself – is this relationship worth it?

DEAR NATALIE: I just discovered that I am pregnant and in a state without access to abortion care. I told my partner about the pregnancy and he told me that I should do “whatever I want” and that he isn’t interested in being a dad right now, anyway. He hasn’t offered to buy me a plane or train ticket to get me to the nearest state with access, and I cannot afford to do anything on my own. It is a really scary situation where I live. I am worried that if I have the baby, my boyfriend won’t support us. I don’t have a good-paying job and I am in no position to take care of a child. What should I do? I am afraid to ask my family to drive me to another state because they are so conservative. I feel completely alone. Any suggestions? –I AM ABANDONED 

DEAR I AM ABANDONED: While I don’t know which state you are in, you should still call your medical provider and inquire about the abortion pill. If they aren’t allowed to prescribe it, there are spaces like Planned Parenthood and abortionfinder.org that can provide information. There are telehealth services available, as well, because some states require waiting periods and ultrasounds before giving you the pills. It is outrageous that in 2023 you even have to write a letter like this. My hope is that you are able to access the healthcare that you need in a timely manner so that you can move forward with your life in a way that brings you peace. This shouldn’t even be a conversation up for public consumption. It should be no one’s decision but yours and your healthcare provider’s as to what is best for you and your life. If your partner doesn’t want to be a parent, you should both sit down and talk about precautions you can take moving forward to lower the chance of pregnancy risk. Should he get a vasectomy? Should you use some form of birth control along with condoms? Because you live in a state where the stakes are high, there is no room for error. Becoming a parent is a transformative, life-altering decision. It should never be taken lightly and you should be provided with all of the information and support needed so that you can make the best decision. I have had many friends who had abortions when they were younger and then went on to have children later in life. It was about timing. It was about money. It was about opportunity. It was about having the right partner. You deserve to have the life that you want – not one that is forced upon you by the state. Good luck to you.

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DEAR NATALIE: My brother’s wife suddenly died. She was dealing with some health issues, but was only 47 and this was unexpected. She leaves behind two daughters (my nieces), who are both still in high school. It is a true tragedy. Even worse, my brother and my other sister are not close. He doesn't want me to tell her that his wife passed. I don’t think this is right. She should have the opportunity to mourn her sister-in-law, even if they were estranged. What should I do? He was very adamant about it, but I think it is a huge mistake. Any ideas? I know he is in shock by his wife’s death and this has upended his whole life. Do you think he will regret this decision? Should I take charge? –UNEXPECTED TRAGEDY

DEAR UNEXPECTED TRAGEDY: This is a tough one because you want to be respectful of your brother, but also you want to be respectful of your sister. The reality is, she will find out. Someone will tell her — cousin, a friend, or another family member. This information should be shared with the immediate family. If she finds out another way, this situation could be made much worse. She also has the right to mourn her family. Try talking to your brother again about this. He may have been in shock and isn’t thinking clearly. If he still refuses, you can still reach out to her on your own. Be mindful of what may happen if you do, but if you know and don’t tell her, now it looks as though you are also “against” her. She may want to just send flowers or come to the viewing during an off-time when your brother won’t be there. Death is complicated. Mourning is even more so. Everyone should be given the chance to grieve, however. I don’t think he has the right to monopolize that space. 

DEAR NATALIE: Do you ever feel like the people you work with are just… incompetent? Lately I’ve really been struggling with the way a number of my colleagues and clients operate on the projects we work on. I feel like I’m always chasing someone down for an overdue email, an invoice, or to do something in a more efficient way. I’m trying my best not to be a control freak and know that everyone operates on their own timeline, but I’m like, come on people! A lot of them have been in the industry longer than I have, so I don’t want to undermine them by being too assertive, but I feel like so many things are taking longer than they need to. I don’t think the strategy for some of the work they’re doing makes sense, either. I work freelance so it’s not like I can just call an all-staff meeting with everyone in my life. I know I must be part of the problem if I’m the common denominator, but I really don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable. How can I change the tone and pace of things so that I don’t go crazy?

–DISGRUNTLED AT WORK

DEAR DISGRUNTLED AT WORK: It can be very frustrating when you see a way that things can be done more effectively and efficiently, but think of it this way: your check cashes either way. You can’t care more than they do. Broach the subject once. Offer solutions and ways to increase efficiency or more effective communication. But, if they don’t integrate it, you can either stay in your frustration and become passive-aggressive because of it, or you can roll with their flow and take note of all the things you now know “not to do” when working with people in the future. Setting the groundwork for future clients can also help to offset this, as well. At the end of the day, everyone is overwhelmed and overworked. Give some space and grace. When it gets to be too much, step back, take a break and take a walk.  

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DEAR NATALIE: I have been with my wife for 37 years and I love our companionship, but there is something I’m really struggling with. We have not been intimate in a while, and emotionally, I feel as though we are like siblings – close family, who I love very much, but something is not right. My adult son recently came out as gay and I am so proud of him. She is having a hard time with this, because she has always hoped for children from him and a traditional family landscape. He is our only child. This is bringing up a lot for me. He told us he has been out to his friends for a lot longer, and I was not surprised by this. But what I was surprised by, is that as soon as he came out to us, I started to feel almost envious of him and his freedom to make the choices he wants based on his heart’s desire. Now, I’m not sure that I’m gay, but I feel there is something worth exploring here. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about this, and I’m not sure how my son would feel if I talked to him about it either. Help! – QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS

DEAR QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS: Before you talk to your wife or your son, I recommend you reach out to a therapist about this. If you have a part of you that needs to be unearthed and explored, it may be safer and more constructive to do it with someone who is a part of and who therapeutically works with the LGBTQIA+ communities. You may not know where this feeling came from, but the fact that your son’s self-actualization sparked something in your own spirit is enough of a reason to dig deeper. And let’s say that you discover, perhaps, that you are bisexual or gay. Then what? It will be important that you already have a support team in place so that you can work through how you may approach your wife. You have almost four decades together. That is important and meaningful and something to be proud of. Only you know what’s best for your own future, however, so take this one step at a time. Acknowledge yourself and who you need to be first. Then, focus on how your marriage may be impacted. Good luck to you.  

DEAR NATALIE: I work at a coffee shop where I spend a lot of my time. I haven’t dated in a while but I’m ready to get back out there. I have one regular customer that I really enjoy talking to and I want to take our relationship out of the coffee shop. I don’t want to ruin their experience of coming to the coffee shop if they don’t see me the same way I see them, but I know the only way to know is to take a leap. I’ve seen them come in with someone who may be a friend or may be someone they’re dating. I don’t want to overstep, but I also don’t want to make any assumptions. I recently had a customer ask me out, and that made me uncomfortable, since it’s my workplace and it’s my job to be nice to them. But, I feel slightly differently with the tables turned. How can I pursue this potential crush without making things weird for both of us? - COFFEE DATE?

DEAR COFFEE DATE?: If you’ve read any of my other advice columns, I’m not one for subtle. I believe in putting it out there and letting the chips fall where they may. It’s important that you remain respectful and are able to read the room. Have they given you any signals to indicate that they may also be interested in you? If not, that doesn’t mean they don’t “like” you, they could just be shy. But if they are giving you signals, that is a good indication. Are there any events or things happening in the community where you could connect outside the coffee shop? It might be easier (and less awkward) to tell them about a book fair or community potluck, to take things outside of the space of your shifts at the coffee shop. Then you could simply use that as a segue and say, “Hope we can see each other there!” Then, if you do, you are in a different dynamic and it could be easier to ask them out for coffee or dinner. If there are no events to speak of, you may just have to take the leap and see if they want to meet outside the coffee shop to get to know each other better. If they quickly say no, then just move on. Brush it off. But, if they say yes… then who knows? Love could be brewing!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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