DEAR NATALIE: I met a great guy recently and after a few fantastic dates, we went back to my place and had sex. It was awful. It was like he had never been with anyone before. Afterwards, I mumbled something about having to get up early and kicked him out. I haven’t seen him since. It’s been a week and he’s blowing up my phone. He said he had a terrific time and wants to see me again soon. I cannot date someone who is terrible in bed. I want to ghost him but I’m 31 and my friends tell me I’m too old for that. But shouldn’t he be too old to be bad in bed? (He’s 36.) I’m also incredibly disappointed because he was good on paper in every other respect. Am I throwing him away? Can you work on this? What do I do? – GOOD ON PAPER, BAD IN BED

DEAR GOOD ON PAPER, BAD IN BED: This is clearly an important issue for you. Some people don’t care as much about sex, so this might not be a dealbreaker for them. In your case, it sounds as though this was a whole other level of awful. What made it awful? Meaning, is this something that can be “worked on” or was it about a lack of sexual chemistry? People can improve their “skill set” but it’s very hard to create energy that isn’t there. If this is just about skills – and if you think it’s worth salvaging – then you are going to have to be real with him. If you don’t think this budding relationship is worth saving, then cut your losses. And while your friends are right that maybe you are too old to ghost someone, do what feels best for you. I always say that communicating our needs is the best path forward, but you have to decide whether or not you want to put that energy into this situation. And if you do talk about it… what is the plan? How are you going to tell him? What will you say? You may have felt the need to fake other things… but keep this conversation real. For both of your sakes.

DEAR NATALIE: I accidentally slept with my friend’s dad. I didn’t know it was her dad, obviously, and apparently he is newly divorced from her mom – which I also didn’t know. I’ve only been friends with her for about a year but we formed a really fast bond. I met her dad at a charity event a few weeks ago and we went home together. It was a great time but I didn’t want any strings and neither did he. But we ended up sleeping together a few more times and I think he caught feelings. He was telling his daughter (my friend) that he met someone. Well, she told me how excited she was for him and now I’m totally at a loss because I don’t want to out myself and I don’t think he knows that I’m friends with his daughter. Basically, I’m in the middle of a mess. Is there an easy way out of this? I would keep seeing him, but I don’t want to wreck my friendship. – MESSY

DEAR MESSY: You might have to either move and change your name or – more realistically – just be honest with both of them. Start with your friend, first. “Funny story…” might feel cliche but it also might be best to bring some humor into this hot mess. You didn’t know this was her dad. It just happened. Everyone is a consenting adult here. There’s nothing you can do to “undo” this, so just ask her how she feels about it. If she laughs and can get past this initial awkwardness – amazing! You can then share with her dad the situation and that she’s handling it well. If, however, she flips out – give it some space. Wait until she cools down and then talk to him about it. Either way, you are allowed to do what you want. You didn’t hurt anyone. You didn’t do anything on purpose. People meet. They fall for each other. They even fall in love, sometimes. Who knows where this could go? If this was just a fling for you, end it to avoid further awkwardness. But, if it means something more, see what he says. Approach it delicately, but recognize that you are allowed to have a good time!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE:  I recently passed up a work opportunity with a potential client because I felt that their personality and lack of boundaries would be too demanding. I passed this work along to a friend who has more of a tolerance for this and experience in the client’s industry. I know I made the right choice for myself, but I still feel maybe a bit jealous, especially because I knew there was a lot of money to be made there. I hate the feeling that I’m behind, or that someone else (even a friend) is getting ahead. I can definitely celebrate her wins, including this one, but it’s so hard for me to feel like I’m not doing enough. I believe I’m smart and talented, but I am still figuring out which of my skills I enjoy using the most in exchange for money. How can I trust the process with things like this, at such an early point in my career? –DID I MAKE THE RIGHT CALL 

DEAR DID I MAKE THE RIGHT CALL: I have learned that in life that it is just as important to tell the universe what you don’t want, as well as share what you do want. While you may feel frustrated, stuck or conflicted, it sounds as though you did the right thing. You followed your instincts. You recognized that this particular client would not be a good fit for you, and instead of trying to put a round peg in a square hole, you passed. You shared it with a friend who was a better fit and you have now made space for the right thing to come to you. It can be very challenging to live in a mindset of abundance. There’s a level of faith that you need to have which takes time to build in ourselves. It can be years before we trust ourselves enough to let go of what doesn’t serve us, fearing that the next thing won’t come along. But as someone who is further down the career path, hear me when I say: nothing is permanent. This feeling you feel won’t last. The situation won’t stay the same. Something will come along if you believe that it will, if you create action items to get yourself there and if you put in the time. No one is an overnight success. Anything worth building starts with laying the right foundation. By letting go of this opportunity, you are recognizing what materials you need to create a solid floor beneath your feet. Pay attention to how that feels. “Trust the process” sounds cliche, but the truth of it is that you don’t always see the magic working behind the scenes. Just keep going. Put everything you want in writing. Read it. Reflect on it. And work towards it one step at a time, even if the next step hasn’t yet made itself known.

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend is very wealthy. Her family comes from old money and she and I grew up together even though I had a much more “normal” childhood than she did. Now as adults, I have my own career and two kids and a wonderful husband. She has had a hard time with relationships and standing on her own feet, financially. Her family controls most aspects of her life – still – at 31 years old. She recently told me that she feels “trapped” and the only way out would be to end her life. I was really taken aback when she said that. I reminded her how she has everything anyone would dream of… but that seemed to make her feel worse. I feel like a bad friend and all I want to do is help her. I’m supposed to see her next week to talk more. I am afraid she will actually try to harm herself. What should I do? I don’t want to push her away. –OUT OF MY ELEMENT 

DEAR OUT OF MY ELEMENT: Your friend needs serious and immediate mental health support. If she is reaching out to you and expressing these feelings, then she is reaching out for help. In the U.S., you call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Or use the Lifeline Chat. Services are free and confidential. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S. has a Spanish language phone line at 1-888-628-9454 (toll-free). Does she have a therapist? If so, why not encourage her to make an emergency appointment when you are around so you know it happens. Offer to take her to that appointment, or if it is a telehealth appointment, offer to be in her home while she’s with her therapist talking so there is physical support right in the next room. While it is not your responsibility to keep her from harming herself, I understand your interest in protecting her at this moment. Be sure you are taking care of your own mental health and finding support that you need during this time. Share with her that you love her and that she is needed here. If she wants to work on exploring new career paths or ways to strengthen the relationship with herself, you are here for her every step of the way. Does she have anyone in her family that you can encourage her to reach out to, as well? For some people, living in the shadow of their families can bring up so many different emotions around inadequacy, low self esteem and guilt around their privilege. You are a good friend for being with her through this trying time and hopefully she can get the care she needs so that she can live a life where she feels fulfilled and at peace.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I recently gave birth to a stillborn baby. It was our first child and this has been a truly horrific experience. My family has been very understanding of all of this, but my sister-in-law does not seem to get the weight of it all. She has said to me on more than one occasion that I can “have another” or “try again in a few months.” I was literally sitting there, breaking down into tears while putting away all the gifts from the shower, and she’s acting like this is no big deal. She’s not exactly a warm and fuzzy person, but how do I tell her how she’s hurting me and making this all worse? My husband says that her sister has always been like this and to “just ignore her” but I can’t. It’s really traumatizing. Any ideas on how to make her understand? –HEARTBROKEN 

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I am so sorry for your terrible loss and for the insensitive, hurtful behavior of your sister-in-law. This is a time where you need family the most and for her to diminish and disregard how you’re feeling over one of the most traumatic experiences that could happen to a person is absolutely terrible. You need space from anyone who is bringing negativity into your heart right now. If she can’t meet you where you are and sit with you in the silence of your pain, then she doesn’t need to be near your right now. You are allowed to share space with only those who understand you, love you and are able to offer you compassion. This doesn’t mean you are cutting her out of your life, but you are taking time to heal. If she asks you why you haven’t reached out or connected with her, you are allowed to tell her what you just told me. If she was that unaware of her actions and words, perhaps this will be a wake-up call. If she becomes defensive or angry for any reason, recognize that this is a sign for you to take a big step back. Now, I don’t know her relationship to her family, but I wonder if this behavior was something that she learned from watching her parents. Regardless, she is an adult and needs to learn to read the room. Put her on ice until you are feeling less vulnerable. Give yourself all the space and grace you need right now. This nonsense from her is unnecessary and unwelcome.

DEAR NATALIE: A few months ago I moved into a new house and while most of my neighbors are lovely, a neighbor down the street has two dogs that she leaves outside most of the time. Some days they bark constantly – all day and all night. They’ve gotten off their leashes a couple of times, too. They’re usually friendly, but it feels unsafe. I don’t know how they are with children or other dogs, and I worry that they’ll get lost or hit by a car. The only time I’ve seen my neighbor is when she’s been drinking or trying to find the dogs. I want to talk to her about getting the barking to stop, but I don’t know how to do this. I know building a relationship with her is the right thing to do, but that takes time and I don’t even know how to open up the conversation about the dogs. It’s driving me and everyone else on the block crazy, though! I don’t want to call the cops if I can avoid it. How should I handle this without getting on her bad side or creating more of a problem? –DOGGONE IT

DEAR DOGGONE IT: Safety in numbers. I would connect with a few of your neighbors first and then see if everyone is on the same page. If so, then invite her over to your yard for an iced tea when everyone is there. They don’t need to be in the conversation with you, but it’s a good idea to have a few others around in case you need support or to clarify the situation. Get to know her a bit first and learn about her relationship with her dogs. Is there a reason she always leaves them outside? Is she aware that they are barking at all hours of the day? Does she know that the community is concerned for the safety of the animals and for the kids? She may be blissfully unaware of the stress she is causing everyone. I would bring it up gently and see how she reacts. It may just take one honest and open conversation to see change. But if the dogs continue to bark at all hours of the night and continue to get loose in the community, you may want to reach out to a local rescue shelter for their opinion on things that can be done. I agree with you that there are other ways to deal with this than involving law enforcement and I hope she is receptive to hearing you out. In any case, maybe she is struggling to take care of the dogs or can’t walk them so she leaves them outside. Perhaps there is an opportunity to help find her support so that she, the dogs, you and your neighbors can be in better harmony.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

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@NatalieBencivenga