DEAR NATALIE: I recently learned that my fiancé’s previous marriage was very happy, and they only got divorced because their teenage daughter suggested it. She apparently wanted to experience a broken home, and thought it could help all three of them to grow. I have talked individually with my fiancé, his ex-wife, and their daughter, and all three say the same thing: the marriage was wonderful, and the daughter suggested divorce as a way to help them grow and learn. This daughter has always been wonderful to me, and is supposed to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. Now I’m wondering whether I should step aside and let my fiancé and his ex possibly reunite. His ex told me that she’s happy being single, but I have to wonder. The other obvious question is, if we get married, what happens if my stepdaughter then decides we should get divorced, like she did with her parents. Would I be crazy to go ahead and marry him? I know this sounds crazy, but I actually find it encouraging that his previous marriage was so good, and I kind of admire them for taking such a drastic step just for the experience and growth. –IS GROWTH ALWAYS GOOD

DEAR IS GROWTH ALWAYS GOOD: I had to read your email a few times because I was incredibly confused. Why on earth would two adults allow their teenage daughter to dictate whether or not they stay together? I find this scenario utterly bizarre and confusing. Happy couples do not divorce. They don’t decide to go through all of that stress, pain and financial upheaval just to see if it could be a good “growing” experience. Children should not be trying to experience hardship vicariously through their parents – and this shouldn’t be indulged by the parents, either. This feels like a big mess. And like you were saying, if your fiancé is so easily manipulated by his daughter, who’s to say she won’t recommend he dump you a few years from now just to “see how it helps them grow?”  If you also are wondering about his ex and how happy she is being single, I would sit with that feeling. It sounds as though they could still have feelings for one another. Either you clear the air with all of them and get to the bottom of this weirdness or you walk away. I wouldn’t want to feel as though people were meddling in my marriage or still pining for my husband. Get this mess sorted before you say “I do” because this situation has  “Just don’t” written all over it.

DEAR NATALIE: My dad and I haven’t spoken in nearly 20 years. He is an alcoholic who has made some terrible decisions in his life. We have had an awful relationship for so long because he was incredibly abusive to my mother and I would often step in between to protect her. You can imagine how that turned out for a kid. Since leaving home at 18, I haven’t looked back. I’m 37 now and happily married with two kids of my own who I adore. They have never met their grandfather.  He called me recently wanting to “reconnect.” I was skeptical. My wife told me I should just give it a chance. Well, I should have let it go to voicemail. He is dying. He needs a liver transplant and asked me if I would be open to exploring that option with him. Meaning, if I qualified to give him part of my liver, would I? I was totally taken aback. Here’s a man who abused me and mom, who abandoned us, who never even sent a Christmas card… and now he wants my liver? My wife, who grew up in a loving household and doesn’t have the faintest idea of how this feels, said that she “feels sorry for him. Maybe I should consider it.” She even invited him over for dinner this week. She thinks at the very least I should try to make amends. Make amends for what? I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t even know if he is sober. I don’t even know if I want my kids around him. I am angry. I am anxious. My mom died five years ago and I can’t even imagine what she would say if I offered to do this for him. I do feel a slight twinge of guilt, too. He was sad and pathetic on the phone. Sounded full of regret and remorse. Should I hear him out? I’m incredibly conflicted. Any thoughts on this?

–SAD ABOUT DAD 

DEAR SAD ABOUT DAD: Wanting to find some sense of closure through a family dinner  is not a bad thing, but I don’t know if I would be jumping at the chance to give this abuser a part of my liver so easily. He should sound remorseful and sad. Facing death has made him take stock of his life and he most likely doesn’t like what he sees. You don’t owe him anything – least of all your body. If you want to give him the opportunity to apologize, then do that. But to go under the knife for him when you have your own wife and children to worry about doesn’t sit right with me. He made his bed. Relationships and trust take time to build. His decision to reach out only when he needed something says all that you need to know. I would keep my guard up. He is pitiful, yes, but he’s not yours to fix.

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DEAR NATALIE: I met a great guy recently and after a few fantastic dates, we went back to my place and had sex. It was awful. It was like he had never been with anyone before. Afterwards, I mumbled something about having to get up early and kicked him out. I haven’t seen him since. It’s been a week and he’s blowing up my phone. He said he had a terrific time and wants to see me again soon. I cannot date someone who is terrible in bed. I want to ghost him but I’m 31 and my friends tell me I’m too old for that. But shouldn’t he be too old to be bad in bed? (He’s 36.) I’m also incredibly disappointed because he was good on paper in every other respect. Am I throwing him away? Can you work on this? What do I do? – GOOD ON PAPER, BAD IN BED

DEAR GOOD ON PAPER, BAD IN BED: This is clearly an important issue for you. Some people don’t care as much about sex, so this might not be a dealbreaker for them. In your case, it sounds as though this was a whole other level of awful. What made it awful? Meaning, is this something that can be “worked on” or was it about a lack of sexual chemistry? People can improve their “skill set” but it’s very hard to create energy that isn’t there. If this is just about skills – and if you think it’s worth salvaging – then you are going to have to be real with him. If you don’t think this budding relationship is worth saving, then cut your losses. And while your friends are right that maybe you are too old to ghost someone, do what feels best for you. I always say that communicating our needs is the best path forward, but you have to decide whether or not you want to put that energy into this situation. And if you do talk about it… what is the plan? How are you going to tell him? What will you say? You may have felt the need to fake other things… but keep this conversation real. For both of your sakes.

DEAR NATALIE: I accidentally slept with my friend’s dad. I didn’t know it was her dad, obviously, and apparently he is newly divorced from her mom – which I also didn’t know. I’ve only been friends with her for about a year but we formed a really fast bond. I met her dad at a charity event a few weeks ago and we went home together. It was a great time but I didn’t want any strings and neither did he. But we ended up sleeping together a few more times and I think he caught feelings. He was telling his daughter (my friend) that he met someone. Well, she told me how excited she was for him and now I’m totally at a loss because I don’t want to out myself and I don’t think he knows that I’m friends with his daughter. Basically, I’m in the middle of a mess. Is there an easy way out of this? I would keep seeing him, but I don’t want to wreck my friendship. – MESSY

DEAR MESSY: You might have to either move and change your name or – more realistically – just be honest with both of them. Start with your friend, first. “Funny story…” might feel cliche but it also might be best to bring some humor into this hot mess. You didn’t know this was her dad. It just happened. Everyone is a consenting adult here. There’s nothing you can do to “undo” this, so just ask her how she feels about it. If she laughs and can get past this initial awkwardness – amazing! You can then share with her dad the situation and that she’s handling it well. If, however, she flips out – give it some space. Wait until she cools down and then talk to him about it. Either way, you are allowed to do what you want. You didn’t hurt anyone. You didn’t do anything on purpose. People meet. They fall for each other. They even fall in love, sometimes. Who knows where this could go? If this was just a fling for you, end it to avoid further awkwardness. But, if it means something more, see what he says. Approach it delicately, but recognize that you are allowed to have a good time!

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DEAR NATALIE:  I recently passed up a work opportunity with a potential client because I felt that their personality and lack of boundaries would be too demanding. I passed this work along to a friend who has more of a tolerance for this and experience in the client’s industry. I know I made the right choice for myself, but I still feel maybe a bit jealous, especially because I knew there was a lot of money to be made there. I hate the feeling that I’m behind, or that someone else (even a friend) is getting ahead. I can definitely celebrate her wins, including this one, but it’s so hard for me to feel like I’m not doing enough. I believe I’m smart and talented, but I am still figuring out which of my skills I enjoy using the most in exchange for money. How can I trust the process with things like this, at such an early point in my career? –DID I MAKE THE RIGHT CALL 

DEAR DID I MAKE THE RIGHT CALL: I have learned that in life that it is just as important to tell the universe what you don’t want, as well as share what you do want. While you may feel frustrated, stuck or conflicted, it sounds as though you did the right thing. You followed your instincts. You recognized that this particular client would not be a good fit for you, and instead of trying to put a round peg in a square hole, you passed. You shared it with a friend who was a better fit and you have now made space for the right thing to come to you. It can be very challenging to live in a mindset of abundance. There’s a level of faith that you need to have which takes time to build in ourselves. It can be years before we trust ourselves enough to let go of what doesn’t serve us, fearing that the next thing won’t come along. But as someone who is further down the career path, hear me when I say: nothing is permanent. This feeling you feel won’t last. The situation won’t stay the same. Something will come along if you believe that it will, if you create action items to get yourself there and if you put in the time. No one is an overnight success. Anything worth building starts with laying the right foundation. By letting go of this opportunity, you are recognizing what materials you need to create a solid floor beneath your feet. Pay attention to how that feels. “Trust the process” sounds cliche, but the truth of it is that you don’t always see the magic working behind the scenes. Just keep going. Put everything you want in writing. Read it. Reflect on it. And work towards it one step at a time, even if the next step hasn’t yet made itself known.

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend is very wealthy. Her family comes from old money and she and I grew up together even though I had a much more “normal” childhood than she did. Now as adults, I have my own career and two kids and a wonderful husband. She has had a hard time with relationships and standing on her own feet, financially. Her family controls most aspects of her life – still – at 31 years old. She recently told me that she feels “trapped” and the only way out would be to end her life. I was really taken aback when she said that. I reminded her how she has everything anyone would dream of… but that seemed to make her feel worse. I feel like a bad friend and all I want to do is help her. I’m supposed to see her next week to talk more. I am afraid she will actually try to harm herself. What should I do? I don’t want to push her away. –OUT OF MY ELEMENT 

DEAR OUT OF MY ELEMENT: Your friend needs serious and immediate mental health support. If she is reaching out to you and expressing these feelings, then she is reaching out for help. In the U.S., you call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Or use the Lifeline Chat. Services are free and confidential. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S. has a Spanish language phone line at 1-888-628-9454 (toll-free). Does she have a therapist? If so, why not encourage her to make an emergency appointment when you are around so you know it happens. Offer to take her to that appointment, or if it is a telehealth appointment, offer to be in her home while she’s with her therapist talking so there is physical support right in the next room. While it is not your responsibility to keep her from harming herself, I understand your interest in protecting her at this moment. Be sure you are taking care of your own mental health and finding support that you need during this time. Share with her that you love her and that she is needed here. If she wants to work on exploring new career paths or ways to strengthen the relationship with herself, you are here for her every step of the way. Does she have anyone in her family that you can encourage her to reach out to, as well? For some people, living in the shadow of their families can bring up so many different emotions around inadequacy, low self esteem and guilt around their privilege. You are a good friend for being with her through this trying time and hopefully she can get the care she needs so that she can live a life where she feels fulfilled and at peace.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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@NatalieBencivenga