DEAR NATALIE: I am “dabbling” in an open marriage with my wife of four years. I am not pushing for this situation, but she said that our sex life was boring and that she wanted to try something new. We haven’t had any success with other couples yet, but we have gone to some parties where she’s made out with some other guys. I really don’t have much of an interest in being with anyone else, but I want to make her happy. I told my best friend about this and he thinks I’m crazy to let her get with other men. I told him if I don’t, I’m afraid she’ll just cheat, anyway. I’m not sure what to do, to be honest. I’ve never been good at meeting women, and I don’t think I’ll have much success at it, anyway. Any advice on how to navigate this? She said she wants to get this “out of her system” before we decide to move forward with having children. – NOT A SWINGER
DEAR NOT A SWINGER: With any kind of exploration in your romantic life, it is important that you are both on the same page from the start. Being willing to standby and watch her make out with other guys to “make her happy” has me asking, “But what about you?” Don’t you matter in this, as well? What makes you happy? While I can appreciate you wanting her to enjoy herself, it shouldn’t be at your expense. It’s time to have a serious conversation. Sometimes it’s not enough to love each other. You have to have the same vision of the future. If you are truly uncomfortable with having an open marriage, you need to tell her. If you continue to look the other way, you will build up resentment over time and create a division between you. There is nothing wrong with experimenting or exploring new facets of your sexuality together. But if you continue to go down separate paths, you may just end up drifting too far apart and unable to repair the damage done. No one should have to live in fear of their partner cheating.
DEAR NATALIE: My partner has never been in therapy before and after a string of stressful events in his career and personal life, I think it’s time he sees a professional. He knows I’m a large proponent of therapy and have worked with a number of different therapists since my early 20s. He keeps saying he’s not ready. I want to honor his timeline, but he’s been saying this for months. At what point is this pure avoidance? I don’t want to be the one to shoulder his feelings anymore and it’s a lot on me. I want to look into therapists for him to see and send him a list. I’ll even offer to make an appointment for him. Is this going too far? I don’t want him to become even more avoidant if he feels like I’m pushing him, but I also want to get this show on the road, and help him take a step towards better mental health. – GET SOME HELP
DEAR GET SOME HELP: Your husband has to come to the decision on his own when and if he utilizes therapy. While it works for you – and I understand your need to want to help him – pushing him to do something that he may not be ready for will only have the opposite reaction. Instead of bringing names of therapists to him, why don’t you try this approach instead the next time he puts his feelings onto you: “I know that I’ve shared with you how therapy has helped me. I want you to work through your own timeline, and if and when you’re ready, I have resources for you.” And then just leave it there. Now, if he continues to try and use you as his therapist, definitely set a boundary. Perhaps if he sees how much emotional labor you’ve been doing, he will rethink getting some outside support. I hope he gets the help he needs so that he can improve his quality of life and in turn, your relationship.
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