DEAR NATALIE: I have been engaged for about four months and I am quickly realizing that I do not want to marry this person. We met a year ago and got engaged fairly quickly. We are both in our 30s and have the same goals. We both have professional jobs and have bought a beautiful house together. On paper, everything is perfect. But the reality is, the more time I spend with them, the more I can’t stand them. They are annoying, boring and clingy. We rushed into this relationship and now I feel trapped. The wedding is a few months away — everything has been paid for, my dress is tailored and invitations have gone out. I’m miserable. My partner has no idea that I feel this way. I told my best friend about it and they said I should just be a runaway bride but I don’t know what to do. My instinct says, “Get married and you can always divorce later.” What do you think? – I DON’T
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DEAR I DON’T: I would absolutely advise that you break things off before you get married. Yes, it will be hard. It will be painful and stressful and costly. But, think of the compounded stress if you marry this person knowing how you feel. You owe yourself and your partner the truth. I would also ask yourself why you allowed this relationship to continue on if you were so unhappy? Were you trying to prove something to yourself or to your family? Were you afraid of being alone? Before anything else is done for the wedding, you must stop this runaway train. Tell your partner what you are feeling (minus the fact that you think they are clingy and boring). It’s much better to end things now, sell the house and move on with your lives before you become any more entangled or bring children into the mix. Don’t start a life with someone based on a lie to save face. And once this is behind you, take some time to reflect on who you want to be moving forward and what kind of partner you want to share your life with.
DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been nannying for a family for over a year, and occasionally a friend of mine will nanny for them if I am unavailable. Recently, they fired my friend after seeing posts she had made on her Instagram account concerning Palestine. They did not tell me that this is why they fired her, but they did tell her that they didn’t want someone with those beliefs around their children. They don’t follow me on Instagram (my account is private) but I know that my friend and I post the same perspectives online. It doesn’t feel right to keep working for them, in addition to knowing that they might fire me at any moment because of our different ideologies. I’m also deeply uncomfortable with knowing where they stand on this issue. I am curious if our relationship can help me share my perspective with them in a way they would actually listen to, and I am willing to lose my job over this. How do you think I should proceed? – STAND TOGETHER
DEAR STAND TOGETHER: So much of our collective pain comes from unresolved grief which manifests as violence and blind hatred of the other. Any conversation that can work towards a deeper commitment to understanding one another is worth having. You do not seem concerned about the fallout of having a hard conversation with them about your perspective so I would start by asking them why they fired your friend? Gaining some insight into their thought process may help you formulate what it is that you want to share with them. Once you hear them out, it’ll be easier to frame your perspective so that there is a chance for them to actively listen to understand and not just to respond. However, if you feel the conversation devolve or notice increased hostility from them, it may be best to resign and move on.
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