DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mother collected vintage jewelry, some from family members, other pieces she picked up at estate sales.
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A few years ago, when Mom moved into a nursing home, my daughters helped me clean out her apartment. We went through her jewelry boxes, and each of the girls showed me a few pieces they were interested in having, if it was okay with their grandmother.
At the time I felt funny asking Mom about it. It felt a little ghoulish to me to be asking about divvying up her belongings while she was still alive, so I let it go and just kept the jewelry boxes with some other of her things that we stored in our house.
We lost Mom in February and because we had a lot of things going on, I honestly did not even think much about doing anything with most of her belongings right away.
Then when one of my daughters was home on a visit a few weeks after the funeral, she asked to see her grandmother’s jewelry, and when she looked it over, she noticed some of the pieces she wanted were not there.
It turns out our daughter who lives locally went through the boxes and took a few things she thought “were up for grabs.” She should have let me know what she was doing, but I honestly did not know she had done it at the time, and when I asked her about it, she said she only took the pieces she had already told her sister and me that she wanted, and so far as she remembered nobody objected when the three of us looked everything over a couple years ago.
That is not the story my older daughter is telling me. She said two of the pieces she especially said she was interested in are no longer in either of the jewelry boxes, and she wants me to make her sister give them over.
It is like having two jealous teens again. They are barely speaking and accusing each other of stealing from one another. I have asked my younger daughter to bring what she has back so the next time her sister is in town we can calmly go over the whole collection and figure out what is fair.
After my mother died, the only things of hers I put aside for myself were a few books and two or three pieces of the jewelry I most wanted to keep as remembrances of her. The only pieces I took were not among the things my daughters were interested in. Now that it is down to them, should I butt out and let them work it out, or should I play mediator, just like I did when they were little?
I know that if I stay in the picture, it will lead to someone claiming I am playing favorites, and I do not want to open that can of worms! --- SHOULD I STAY CLEAR?
DEAR SHOULD I STAY CLEAR?: As the keeper of your mother’s jewelry, you’re already involved.
What happens next depends on how your daughters react to your request that everything be returned and then reviewed for distribution. If your nearby daughter refuses to comply, you may have no choice but to be even more involved.
Hopefully, your younger daughter will be persuaded to go with your plan, so things won’t get nasty. But, if the situation continues to be difficult between the two young women, it might be worth reminding them a feud between the sisters is not what their grandmother would’ve wanted and is a disservice to her memory.
Chances are, someone will be left unhappy, but that’s up to your daughters to deal with as adults.