DEAR MISS MANNERS: It appears that servers at casual-dining establishments are not trained to remove trash from tables. Every time I dine at one, my companions and I are soon faced with a pile of trash on the table and no place to put it: paper straw wrappers, creamer cups, used sugar packets and the sticky papers that are used in place of napkin rings.

Either I gather up this debris and dispose of it at the hostess stand or in the restroom, or it sits there the entire meal.

Yes, I can ask the server to take it, but I feel awkward holding onto small handfuls of trash and handing them to a server. What does Miss Manners advise? Am I doomed to look at trash for my entire meal?

GENTLE READER: Although the availability of non-casual dining declines every day, Miss Manners would like to believe that there is limited overlap between restaurants with paper napkins and those that employ roving waitstaff. As she waits for it to disappear entirely (the use of paper napkins, not formal dining), she has no objection to your pushing the detritus into a neat pile under the shade of the artificial floral centerpiece.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While sharing a vacation home with another couple, I offered to cook a special meal. Everyone agreed to this. My wife and I were the guests of the other (more affluent) couple.

When it was about time to prepare the meal, all of the others, including my wife, crowded the kitchen and made snacks for themselves. Was it wrong for me to be offended by this behavior, and what should I have said?

GENTLE READER: "Begone! You must give the chef room to create!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long does one need to keep something that is left behind at your house and ensure it's in the same condition when returned?

For example, a cooler, which its owner forgot when they left dinner in a huff because they got mad at their brother (whole other story there).

I've made repeated attempts to get them to come get it, as I cannot drive due to medical conditions. I do not have a garage, so I kept it inside my home for a long time. The owner eventually said to keep it outside and they will get it when they can. Well, it's covered in pollen and sometimes collects rain, so I keep having to clean it.

Do I even have a responsibility to make sure it is returned in good condition when I have tried to return it?

GENTLE READER: Once you have asked that the item be reclaimed, the item -- and also the person to whom it belongs -- is on a deadline.

The length of that deadline will depend on the value of the item to the owner, how much of an imposition it is on you to store it, and your relationship to the owner -- any of which may change over time.

Although Miss Manners does not limit the value of an item to its monetary value, she presumes that a cooler can have little sentimental value, and that it takes up space. As your fondness for the owner diminishes, so, too, may the cleanings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was raised, I was taught that the person who issued the invitation was the person who paid the bill. When I was dating, if I asked a young lady out for a movie or a meal, I expected to pay. Since being married, if my wife and I ask a friend or another couple out to a show or a meal, we pay for the tickets or the food.

Now, however, everything seems so expensive that if we want to meet another couple for dinner or even lunch, it can cost well over $100. Is there a polite way to ask friends to join us for a meal out where people pay for themselves?

GENTLE READER: This is a widespread problem now, because some people entertain in restaurants instead of their homes, and some just meet friends in restaurants, expecting them to pay for themselves. (And, Miss Manners is sorry to report, there are also some who act as if they are the hosts, then stick their so-called guests with the bill.)

The trouble is that the invitations sound the same as the suggestions: "Would you like to go to dinner with us at Le Gourmet?" could be either one.

That makes for some unpleasant surprises, probably more often than pleasant ones. Miss Manners has advised saying, "We'd like to invite you to dinner" rather than asking "Would you like to meet for dinner?" but realizes that the distinction is probably too subtle to register.

Especially with people whom you have treated in the past, you will have to be explicit. If they have been reciprocating, it could be as easy as saying, "Why don't we just start splitting the bills each time?"

If not, you will be delivering one of those unpleasant surprises by asking for separate checks when you are seated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes it's helpful to understand why I'm being asked or told to do something. While I wouldn't hesitate to bluntly ask "Why?" of anyone 14 or younger, I wouldn't dream of asking a supervisor.

Asking "Why?" in response to a doctor to whom I've gone for help feels uncomfortable for reasons I can't quite grasp. Can you sort this for me, and perhaps provide a way to request more information that will work in most (if not all) situations?

GENTLE READER: The trick here is to say an enthusiastic "Sure!" before asking. As these instructions are coming from your supervisor or your doctor, Miss Manners understands that you don't want to seem to issue a challenge to their necessity.

After that reassuring declaration of compliance, you could ask your supervisor, "What is our goal here?" -- leaving it open for you to suggest another way of reaching it. Or ask your doctor what benefits are expected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to compliment a complete stranger on their hair -- for instance, its texture, color or styling? I sometimes come across someone whose hair is particularly lovely, and would like to let them know, but don't want to be rude or crass.

GENTLE READER: Of course you are wondering how it could possibly be wrong to say something nice. Miss Manners is sorry to say that unfortunately, it sometimes can be.

It could seem threatening to have one's looks appraised, even favorably, by a stranger. It would undermine a person's professional demeanor to have attention called to personal appearance.

So while personal compliments are charming, it is best to confine them to people you know.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There are two ways people start a statement that I find extremely infuriating. They are: "No offense, but ..." and "I'm sorry, but ..."

These are invariably followed by something sexist, ageist or racist, or by repeating what the other person just said, then saying why that person is wrong and doesn't know what they are talking about -- period, end of subject.

When this happens to me, I am usually so angry that I say nothing, but I seem unable to let it go. Is there anything that would be appropriate in response?

GENTLE READER: For the first, "You are right. That's pretty offensive."

Miss Manners realizes that the offender was, instead, asking for a pass to be offensive without consequences. Your response is to say that it has not been granted.

For the second, "I can see why you are sorry. I'm sorry, too." End of discussion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I invited four couples to be our guests for dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in town. I wanted to use proper place cards, but my husband didn't want to appear "stuffy."

We greeted our guests near the entrance to our private dining room, which was close to the head of the table. One of our guests made a beeline to the other end of the table and sat at what should have been my place. I was going to say something, but Husband gently took my hand and signaled I should remain silent.

I found it difficult to smile and be polite while Husband's friend took the lead in the conversation and acted as though he was the host of our party. Husband doesn't understand why I'm so steamed, and says, "It's just a chair!" He said next time I should leave my purse in the chair to save it, if it's so important to me.

Where I come from, it's common knowledge that the host and hostess sit at the ends of the dining table. To usurp the hostess' chair would be a great show of disrespect for the hostess and an insult to the host. Such an act could easily cause a feud.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Has etiquette relaxed so much that guests can sit where they please without regard to their hosts?

GENTLE READER: Has etiquette relaxed so much that hosts don't tell their guests where to sit?

Oh, that's right, you don't want to appear stuffy. Miss Manners hears that word a lot from people who do not want to follow procedures that have been worked out to make things orderly.

Telling guests what arrangements you have made for their comfort -- for example, a seating plan that puts potentially compatible people together -- is not offensive. On the contrary.

If you did not tell your guests where to sit at the table, you left them to fend for themselves, and they did. To deduce from this that your guests intended to insult you is, indeed, making a big deal out of nothing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)