DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to handle paying a restaurant bill? Three met for dinner. Two of them had more expensive meals than the third.

When the check came, the third diner grabbed the check and pointed out the cost of my meal. Next came the calculator (embarrassing). At that point I looked at the bill and asked my husband if he would put more money down. Our dinners were more expensive.

I was getting annoyed and said, "What's the difference if it's $20 off? Who cares? We'll get you next time."

This is not a woman who needs the money. She mentioned her $80,000 car. She brought a half-empty bottle of wine, which she said was $100. She drank it and did not offer any. This person is my sister. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: Surprised though she was by the late arrival of your sister in the question, Miss Manners admits that does not materially affect her answer.

If the goal for an evening out cannot be conviviality, it should at least be to minimize hostility. Beyond that, the proper way to pay a dinner bill is for the parties to agree on what does, and what does not, matter.

This means either accommodating your sister -- by matching the contributions to the consumption -- or convincing her that it really will even up over time.

The latter is more easily accomplished if one omits questions like, "Who cares?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have one daughter, and she was never able to conceive a child. When we meet new people our age, they often ask how many grandchildren we have.

We usually reply "none" and explain that our daughter was unable to have children. That statement seems to leave the hearer in an awkward position on how to further respond. Do you have a suggestion on how we could eliminate the awkwardness on both sides?

GENTLE READER: Not by volunteering your daughter's intimate medical history, certainly. "We don't have any" would answer the question.

But Miss Manners realizes what you are really asking is how to stop people from asking. While she is happy to remind her readers that such a question can be hurtful, she asks you to remember that it is likely not intentionally so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an introvert and only go out when I want to do so. I feel that my time is my own, after retiring from a very demanding and responsible position where I was constantly working with other people to solve their problems.

So when people knock on my door, I simply do not want to be bothered. I'm just curious: Is there anything wrong with ignoring it? I only have one person who drops by.

GENTLE READER: Even young people in positions of little responsibility (other than to make trouble) have Miss Manners' blessing not to answer their front door -- assuming, of course, it was not in response to a previously issued invitation, and that they refrain from making their presence too obvious by glaring through the curtains.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It appears that servers at casual-dining establishments are not trained to remove trash from tables. Every time I dine at one, my companions and I are soon faced with a pile of trash on the table and no place to put it: paper straw wrappers, creamer cups, used sugar packets and the sticky papers that are used in place of napkin rings.

Either I gather up this debris and dispose of it at the hostess stand or in the restroom, or it sits there the entire meal.

Yes, I can ask the server to take it, but I feel awkward holding onto small handfuls of trash and handing them to a server. What does Miss Manners advise? Am I doomed to look at trash for my entire meal?

GENTLE READER: Although the availability of non-casual dining declines every day, Miss Manners would like to believe that there is limited overlap between restaurants with paper napkins and those that employ roving waitstaff. As she waits for it to disappear entirely (the use of paper napkins, not formal dining), she has no objection to your pushing the detritus into a neat pile under the shade of the artificial floral centerpiece.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While sharing a vacation home with another couple, I offered to cook a special meal. Everyone agreed to this. My wife and I were the guests of the other (more affluent) couple.

When it was about time to prepare the meal, all of the others, including my wife, crowded the kitchen and made snacks for themselves. Was it wrong for me to be offended by this behavior, and what should I have said?

GENTLE READER: "Begone! You must give the chef room to create!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long does one need to keep something that is left behind at your house and ensure it's in the same condition when returned?

For example, a cooler, which its owner forgot when they left dinner in a huff because they got mad at their brother (whole other story there).

I've made repeated attempts to get them to come get it, as I cannot drive due to medical conditions. I do not have a garage, so I kept it inside my home for a long time. The owner eventually said to keep it outside and they will get it when they can. Well, it's covered in pollen and sometimes collects rain, so I keep having to clean it.

Do I even have a responsibility to make sure it is returned in good condition when I have tried to return it?

GENTLE READER: Once you have asked that the item be reclaimed, the item -- and also the person to whom it belongs -- is on a deadline.

The length of that deadline will depend on the value of the item to the owner, how much of an imposition it is on you to store it, and your relationship to the owner -- any of which may change over time.

Although Miss Manners does not limit the value of an item to its monetary value, she presumes that a cooler can have little sentimental value, and that it takes up space. As your fondness for the owner diminishes, so, too, may the cleanings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was raised, I was taught that the person who issued the invitation was the person who paid the bill. When I was dating, if I asked a young lady out for a movie or a meal, I expected to pay. Since being married, if my wife and I ask a friend or another couple out to a show or a meal, we pay for the tickets or the food.

Now, however, everything seems so expensive that if we want to meet another couple for dinner or even lunch, it can cost well over $100. Is there a polite way to ask friends to join us for a meal out where people pay for themselves?

GENTLE READER: This is a widespread problem now, because some people entertain in restaurants instead of their homes, and some just meet friends in restaurants, expecting them to pay for themselves. (And, Miss Manners is sorry to report, there are also some who act as if they are the hosts, then stick their so-called guests with the bill.)

The trouble is that the invitations sound the same as the suggestions: "Would you like to go to dinner with us at Le Gourmet?" could be either one.

That makes for some unpleasant surprises, probably more often than pleasant ones. Miss Manners has advised saying, "We'd like to invite you to dinner" rather than asking "Would you like to meet for dinner?" but realizes that the distinction is probably too subtle to register.

Especially with people whom you have treated in the past, you will have to be explicit. If they have been reciprocating, it could be as easy as saying, "Why don't we just start splitting the bills each time?"

If not, you will be delivering one of those unpleasant surprises by asking for separate checks when you are seated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes it's helpful to understand why I'm being asked or told to do something. While I wouldn't hesitate to bluntly ask "Why?" of anyone 14 or younger, I wouldn't dream of asking a supervisor.

Asking "Why?" in response to a doctor to whom I've gone for help feels uncomfortable for reasons I can't quite grasp. Can you sort this for me, and perhaps provide a way to request more information that will work in most (if not all) situations?

GENTLE READER: The trick here is to say an enthusiastic "Sure!" before asking. As these instructions are coming from your supervisor or your doctor, Miss Manners understands that you don't want to seem to issue a challenge to their necessity.

After that reassuring declaration of compliance, you could ask your supervisor, "What is our goal here?" -- leaving it open for you to suggest another way of reaching it. Or ask your doctor what benefits are expected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to compliment a complete stranger on their hair -- for instance, its texture, color or styling? I sometimes come across someone whose hair is particularly lovely, and would like to let them know, but don't want to be rude or crass.

GENTLE READER: Of course you are wondering how it could possibly be wrong to say something nice. Miss Manners is sorry to say that unfortunately, it sometimes can be.

It could seem threatening to have one's looks appraised, even favorably, by a stranger. It would undermine a person's professional demeanor to have attention called to personal appearance.

So while personal compliments are charming, it is best to confine them to people you know.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)