DEAR HARRIETTE: A longtime friend came to visit me and my family this summer. We had a nice visit. As I was driving my friend home at the end of his visit, he commented in a by-the-way fashion on what he observed about my interactions with my wife. She and I have been in a simmering war of words for a long time now, and he clocked it. He didn’t pass judgment. He just said he hoped we could get past it. He said we have been together so long that it would be sad if we couldn’t move beyond what seemed to be petty bickering. That was hard to hear, even though I know it’s true. I am wondering if I should tell my wife. I fear that she may never want to invite him over again because she may feel it was a violation for him to say anything, but he was on the mark with our issues. Do I risk that relationship in order to let my wife know that other people see what’s happening with us? I want to save our marriage, but we haven’t figured out how to deal with our issues at all. -- Power of Observation
DEAR POWER OF OBSERVATION: Consider your friend’s visit a gift. Yes, tell your wife what he observed. Make sure you let her know that he was not trying to judge you two. Instead, it seemed like he genuinely cares about you both as a couple and wants you to be happy. Ask her how she has been feeling about the way you communicate. Tell her your thoughts. Do your best to share your ideas without anger or emotion. Find out if she would be willing to have a referee to help you talk through your problems. If so, find a therapist and begin the important work of mending your relationship.