DEAR HARRIETTE: A longtime friend came to visit me and my family this summer. We had a nice visit. As I was driving my friend home at the end of his visit, he commented in a by-the-way fashion on what he observed about my interactions with my wife. She and I have been in a simmering war of words for a long time now, and he clocked it. He didn’t pass judgment. He just said he hoped we could get past it. He said we have been together so long that it would be sad if we couldn’t move beyond what seemed to be petty bickering. That was hard to hear, even though I know it’s true. I am wondering if I should tell my wife. I fear that she may never want to invite him over again because she may feel it was a violation for him to say anything, but he was on the mark with our issues. Do I risk that relationship in order to let my wife know that other people see what’s happening with us? I want to save our marriage, but we haven’t figured out how to deal with our issues at all. -- Power of Observation

DEAR POWER OF OBSERVATION: Consider your friend’s visit a gift. Yes, tell your wife what he observed. Make sure you let her know that he was not trying to judge you two. Instead, it seemed like he genuinely cares about you both as a couple and wants you to be happy. Ask her how she has been feeling about the way you communicate. Tell her your thoughts. Do your best to share your ideas without anger or emotion. Find out if she would be willing to have a referee to help you talk through your problems. If so, find a therapist and begin the important work of mending your relationship.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have very different views about parenting. Our three children are between college and adulthood. My husband believes we should leave them alone and let them live their lives. I am very hands-on. I talk to them almost every day. I don’t meddle in their activities. I just check in and share some little anecdote about our lives. I do not badger them if they don’t check in, but I like being in touch. My husband complains that I am not giving them space to be independent. What do you think? -- Adult Parenting

DEAR ADULT PARENTING: Pay attention to your children. If you stopped reaching out every day, what would happen? Test it out to discover what the natural rhythm of communication becomes when you are not the initiator. Chances are, each of your children would establish their own pace with you that will likely be more engaged than your husband is with them but perhaps less structured than what you do now. Allow your rhythm to set itself over time, and don’t disparage your husband for his way of engaging with them. You are all different people. Striking a balance regarding communication as adults is the next phase of your lives together. Watch and respond accordingly.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently paid for an Airbnb rental for four days. The host was extremely attentive and accommodating leading up to my check-in date. When I arrived, the place was not what I was expecting at all. It looked nothing like the pictures. I immediately contacted the host and requested a refund, then canceled my reservation through the app. The host apologized profusely and was very kind. He said it was a big misunderstanding, and I believe him. A few days later, I received my money back from Airbnb directly, not the host. The host wrote me an email explaining that he is now banned from hosting because I took my complaint to the company and didn’t allow him to handle it himself. I feel guilty. Was I wrong? -- Misunderstanding

DEAR MISUNDERSTANDING: You were not wrong. The host is not your friend, even though he was kind. He is the one who used the app. That’s how you connected with him. The host knows that the space you got is different from the one he advertised. While it is unfortunate that he got banned, it is not your fault.

What you could do is write to Airbnb to tell them how gracious the host was to you, even though the space wasn’t up to par. Your follow-up note through the app may soften the repercussions, but please remember that you did nothing wrong and the host certainly did.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few months ago, I gave a referral to a former classmate for an opening at the company I work for. A mutual friend of ours had asked if I would help her out, and I did. She got the job, and she’s been with the company for almost two months now. Since she's been hired, she barely acknowledges me. She thanked me for my help but hardly says anything to me at all at work. I’m lucky if she says hi to me on certain days. While we weren't particularly close before, I feel that she should at least be friendly toward me. I barely knew her, and I did something extremely nice for her. What should I do or say? -- Ungrateful

DEAR UNGRATEFUL: You acknowledge that this woman thanked you for the introduction to the company and for your help. If she is someone you did not know before and had no relationship with, there really is not much more you should expect. You should not be looking to her for anything. Would it be wise on her part to befriend you? Sure, but it is not required by etiquette. You did a nice thing for her, and that’s that. Move on. Live your life. Don’t look to her for any type of acknowledgment. She was a stranger and still is. You don’t have to feel any way about it.

I will add, though, that when you refer people for jobs, you should make sure that you review their credentials and feel certain that you want to endorse them. Why? Because your word counts. Referring someone you barely know for a job comes with risks.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: The other day I was driving home with my husband when he got a call from a good friend of his. His friend was venting about being unhappy with the base salary at his new job. My husband then revealed that he should be happy with that salary, and how it is more than I am making now. Though I don't believe that my husband had malicious intent, I was angry that he disclosed my salary without my permission. I told him then and there that he had no right to offer that information to his friend, and his defense was that he would not care if I did the same to him. Am I overreacting? I’m still fairly upset that I didn’t get an apology. -- Private Info

DEAR PRIVATE INFO: Don’t wait for an apology. You could be waiting for a long time. What you can do is establish clear lines of demarcation for what you consider to be private about your life. Think about what else you don’t want your husband to share. Because couples typically talk about everything in detail -- including a lot of intimacies that you would never want shared with others -- it makes sense that you might need to draw the line about certain things. Finances are likely at the top of the list, as are health issues, family challenges ... what else? Make a list and recommend that he do the same. This is something you may want to consider doing from time to time to ensure that you are on the same page.

Also, if you know that your spouse finds it difficult to keep certain information to himself, you may choose to withhold sensitive details as an extra layer of protection. That may seem counterintuitive for a married couple, but you need to know your partner and manage information accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Since moving to a new city for work, I’ve had trouble meeting people. A former classmate who lives in the same area asked me out for dinner, and I went. It was clear to me that he was hoping for more than friendship, but I’m not romantically interested in him. Nevertheless, I’m considering spending more time with him to see if he’ll invite me to join his circle of friends. That way I’ll know people other than just him. Would you say this is a good approach, or could it end up backfiring? -- Need Friends

DEAR NEED FRIENDS: Yes, you should continue to spend time with this friend, but you must be honest with him. Tell him you like him as a friend, but nothing more. Ask him if he would consider inviting you to other events where you can meet people. Tell him candidly you have not met people in the area yet and want to expand your network. Find out if he is willing to include you in his circle. By being upfront about how you feel about him, hopefully he will understand and be willing to open up his circle and invite you in. But don’t stop there. Pay attention to your co-workers and neighbors. Notice the people who interest you, and reach out to them to do something social. You have to put forth some effort to make inroads into meeting more people.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)