DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My (23F) boyfriend (26) is a streamer on YouTube. He has almost 10k followers, and when he streams people love him. But sometimes I get jealous because even though I join his streams to support him, I’m jealous that other people have his attention too (even though most of his subscribers are male & he’s confirmed that he is 100% straight). I’m also jealous that he has a community of people that love & support him & are like friends to him & care about what’s going on in his life & I don’t have that.
I’m jealous that he has a good YouTube side career (as well as a great real life job as a video editor, making more money than me). I want to be a streamer like him but this is his thing that he’s been doing for seven years. He wants me to find my own thing but I don’t know what to do. I never had any interests. I was jealous of this one girl who’s always on his stream but he reassured me that he did meet her in person once at Comicon and she just physically wasn’t his type. He reassures me that it’s okay for him to have his own thing & for me to have mine but I don’t have anything. No interests or hobbies. I just moved to a new state so I have no friends. Didn’t get into the school I applied to so I can’t make friends there. So he’s all I have & when other people also have his attention, I get jealous. But he wants me to find my own thing so I’m not so hooked on him & feeling sad when he’s busy streaming.
I don’t know what to do. All I can do is trust that even when his attention isn’t on me, he still loves me. Is there anything else I can do to not feel so jealous because my boyfriend is a (somewhat) well known streamer?
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DEAR LIKE, SHARE AND SUBSCRIBE: This is an interesting letter to cover, LSS, because of how people get envy and jealousy wrong on many levels.
For one, people will often conflate or confuse jealousy and envy. Envy is when you covet what someone else has, while jealousy is the feeling of being afraid that someone is going to take what you have. To give an example: Iago is envious of Othello’s success and stature in Venice as a successful general and feels that he’s been unfairly passed over. Iago creates jealousy in Othello by convincing him that Cassio is sleeping with Desdemona, Othello’s wife.
For another, we also tend to treat jealousy and envy as things we should feel bad about experiencing; we see it as a sign of insecurity or covetousness, of not having enough faith and trust in someone or an indication that there’s something wrong with us.
In reality though, jealousy and envy are more akin to the “check engine” light in the car. When we experience them, it’s an indication that we should examine the source and try to identify what the issue is. Sometimes it’s minor – the relationship equivalent of needing to tighten the gas cap – but other times it means that maybe there’re issues that need to be addressed before it goes from “pay attention, something may be off” to “nope, s--t’s f--ked” and now your car’s engine is smoking like it’s in the last lap of Le Mans.
I bring this up because your letter is a remarkable example of all of this. In your case, you’re experiencing both envy and jealousy over the same person. You’re envious of his success as a streamer, his having his community, his interests and these things that he has that you don’t. At the same time, you’re jealous of the attention he gives to his audience and community – including this woman he met at Comicon – because it feels as though it takes away his time and attention from you and your relationship with him.
At the same time, experiencing those feelings is serving as a check-engine light for you – you’re feeling them because you are feeling this lack in your life, and that lack stand out all the more starkly against the background of your boyfriend’s social and professional success.
Well, as the joke goes, “Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I do this…” “Well, stop doing that.” You know what the issues are; you just need to resolve them. In this case, the reason why you’re experiencing envy is the same reason you’re experiencing jealousy. Your boyfriend has all of these things in his life, whereas you only have him. Because he’s the focus of your life, the things that he gives attention to that aren’t you feels like a threat to your security and stability. You have nothing to fall back on, nothing to occupy your time and attention and so the seeming loss of his attention feels that much more existential.
The answer is: start finding your interests and finding your community and reaffirming your identity as an individual, rather than just as part of a couple.
Part of what I think you should do is take stock of how you feel and do some self-searching about what, exactly, you’re feeling. Do you actually want to be a streamer as well? Or is that the easiest thing to reach for because there’s an example of it right in front of you? For that matter, is this something you want to do because it aligns with your interests and personality, or because you can look at what your boyfriend has and say “Well, I want that too”, and streaming seems like the easiest path to it?
Intellectually, I’m sure you know that the reason why he’s doing decently as a streamer is because he’s been doing this for seven years and grinding away to create his audience, rather than achieving overnight success. Emotionally… well, that’s a different matter. You don’t say how long you and he have been together, but based on your respective ages, I’m gonna guess you weren’t there from the beginning when he was streaming to an audience of maybe 5 people on a good day and didn’t see the amount of time, tedium and work it’s taken to get where he is. Streaming is a lot like other content-creation jobs, including ones like starting an OnlyFans; it seems like easy money until you start doing it. It’s only after you begin that you realize that it’s actually six different jobs in a trench coat – you’re a content creator, a community manager, a marketer, an accountant and more.
(As an aside, I can also understand why he might push you to have your interest. Leaving out the feeling that you’re trying to ride his coattails on the way to becoming his competition, it also can feel like the sort of thing you’re doing because of him. It runs the risk of feeling like Lucy demanding to know why she can’t be in Ricky’s show, with the attendant trouble of having to explain why it would be a bad idea… not the least of which being that if you fail at it, it can be damaging to the relationship.)
I think a better path forward would be to – as he said – find your thing. I understand that you feel like you’ve never had A Thing before, but this situation is the precise reason why you should start looking for one. Granted, you don’t necessarily have the easy starting point – the pre-existing community of fellow students, for example – but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be trying. But in some ways, you’re at an advantage. If you don’t know what you might be interested in, then you have a blank canvas to play with. The possibilities, while not limitless are certainly vast, with many different and varied things that may end up being your particular flavor.
I’d suggest starting by engaging your intellectual curiosity and finding out more about what’s around you and available to you in your new home. You didn’t get into the school you applied to, but maybe you could audit some classes that sound interesting. You might look for some interest-based group activities that strike your fancy – tabletop gaming, amateur sports leagues, book clubs, or bird watching even. Get on the subreddit for your town, read the local alt-weekly (if you have one), check local resources for what’s happening in your area this week or this month and try literally anything that seems like it might be interesting or diverting. Have you ever wanted to learn mixology? Now seems like a time to give it a shot. Is there a class on learning how to DJ? Give it a try. Is there a blacksmithing or glass-blowing class? It’s a bit out there but you might discover you love the rhythm of “heat, beat, repeat” and having something physical when you’re through. If it seems to tickle your fancy even slightly, then it’s well worth your time to try it out and give it a fair shake.
I would also recommend looking for opportunities to get involved in something that’s bigger than you. This is an election year, in one of the most critical elections in American history; perhaps it’s a good time for you to go get involved in some political campaigns – especially on the local level. Political candidates always have a desperate need for volunteers to phone bank, knock on doors and do all the jobs that keep a campaign running. This would give you a sense of purpose and put you in a diverse group of people all working towards the same goal.
If politics aren’t your thing, then there may be other volunteer opportunities – assisting the homeless or the elderly, animal shelters or community improvement; these are all areas where not only could you find like-minded people, but where you can feel like you’re making a difference for people who desperately need it. That sense of making a meaningful contribution to this world and leaving it a little better than you found it can be immense.
The thing that you need to keep in mind is that community and social circles aren’t built overnight. Whether you’re building one from scratch or finding one to join, it is going to take time and deliberate effort. It takes an investment of your attention, care, time and energy to not just find Your People, but to go from strangers to acquaintances, from acquaintances to friends. Just as your boyfriend built his success and his community over time – and almost certainly lost some and had to rebuild – you will have growth in fits and spurts and times when it feels like everything has stagnated. But if it’s something that you honestly want and are willing to work towards, then the best thing you can do in those moments is to grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way through.
You may have find some false starts and dead-ends. You may meet people who are only part of your community for a little while or where the mutual investment is lopsided to one direction or the other. You may get down the road and discover that perhaps this interest isn’t necessarily what you want or that hobby wasn’t quite what you expected. That’s ok; nobody’s expecting you to get it right on the first try.
But there’s one more important part of having your own circle of friends, your own hobbies and interests outside of your partner’s: they’re yours, not his. If something happens to your relationship, you aren’t left with nothing; you have your own life, your own social circle and your own hobbies and interests, regardless of anyone else. That’s no small thing… especially as someone who moved to a new state and had to start over from scratch.
Take the time to see what’s available to you and give things a try. Find the things that speak to you and the people who you vibe with. When you do, I think you’ll find that those feelings of jealousy and envy will fade. Right now, he’s the sole focus of your world, but you’re not the sole focus of his. Once you have your own world, you won’t feel the existential threat of him having interests and community outside of you.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com