DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know what not to do, but I don’t know what I SHOULD do. Pretty much all advice given on the Internet has so many “don’ts”, like, don’t attempt to approach when she’s working, don’t go too fast, don’t lead with anything sexual, etc… I can get all these don’ts, but what are the do’s?
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Furthermore, the don’ts can be very specific, but when the do’s are given, they’re often very vague.
I know the don’ts, now I just need to know what the do’s are?
Do Or Do Not
DEAR DO OR DO NOT: If I’m being honest, I’m torn between asking if you’ve, y’know, read through my archives where I’ve got years of material talking about the dos and just replying with “These are more of what you might call ‘guidelines’ than actual rules.”
But that’s not actually helpful, so instead I have a question for you, DoDN – you say that you know all don’ts… but do you understand them? As in: do you understand why these are considered to be best practices and why folks would prefer that you follow them?
I ask because a lot of folks who have the same complaint you do “that all the don’ts are so specific but nobody talks about the do’s” often are ultimately looking at these “rules” like they’re code in a computer; do X, Y and Z in this order and you will get AB results. Then they get upset when they see people who seem to break the rules and declare that clearly those rules only apply to some people, not others.
The problem with this outlook is: people aren’t computers or robots. There is no perfect ruleset that you can follow and get guaranteed results. Some people can and do break these supposed rules and succeed. Some folks will follow the “rules” to the letter and still have no luck. This doesn’t mean that they’re uniquely f--ked or that they’re the “unlucky 80” from the increasingly misapplied 80/20 rule. You can – as the man said – commit no mistakes and still lose. And if you’re assuming that those rules are hard, fast and universal, this would give the unwarranted feeling that you’re somehow being “cheated”; after all, you followed the rules.
So what’s the point of having these guidelines in the first place if some folks can break them and following them isn’t a guarantee?
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “if you want to break the rules, first you have to learn the rules”. What this means is that by learning the rules, you understand why they’re in place; they create a structure of best practices, that are generally agreed upon for reasons. Once you understand them and the underlying principles, you’re in a position to make conscious and considered choices about when those rules may not necessarily apply or whether you’re socially skilled enough to understand that you could break them in a way that isn’t going to harm or upset people.
This is why part of social calibration is about understanding the why of it all. Why should you not hit on people at work? Well, because they’re frequently at a disadvantage; they’re restricted in how they’re allowed to behave, management may not have their back even when the customer or client is being egregious, hitting on them would be a distraction from their responsibilities, and so on. Why don’t lead with being overtly sexual? Because it can make a lot of people uncomfortable, it’s often incredibly inappropriate or presumptive to do to a stranger, it’s not congruent or part of the accepted behavior for the interaction or venue and so on.
The same goes with the “do’s”. Things like “look for indications that someone wants to talk to you” are as much about making sure that you’re reading the room properly and making sure that you’re not constantly hitting on people who aren’t interested. You’re taking a moment to make sure you’re respecting people’s time or not bothering someone who doesn’t want to be hit on. “Offer your number first” is letting the other person decide whether they’d like to contact you, instead of giving a stranger access to them. “Make sure you’re clear about asking them on a date” is as much about clarity and setting expectations as it is folks who try to surf the ambiguity wave so that they can functionally “trick” someone into a date.
As you understand the “why” of it all and get more experience under your belt, you start being more capable of recognizing when the rules may not necessarily apply in a specific situation, or how to thread the needle so that you can approach someone at times or in ways that other people might not be able to.
So, someone who leads off their flirting with someone by being profoundly sexual and succeeds isn’t doing so because they’re part of some “elite” that the rules don’t apply to, it’s because they’re skilled at reading the room. They’ve observed enough to know that this person, specifically, is more likely to respond positively to that kind of flirting. Or they may be socially calibrated enough to know that the bartender or waiter is flirting with intent rather than being professionally nice or flirting for tips.
Now obviously this takes time and experience. Some folks will have a harder time reading the room and being as skilled at picking up on social cues. And so, in the name of asking people not to be giant dicks to others and providing some helpful guides and guardrails for folks who are still learning, we have these best practices.
The line about how “safety rules were written in blood” applies here; most of the “don’ts” were drafted because of other people’s s--tty behavior – behavior that affects not just the people being hit on, but also the people who’re trying to meet, mingle and mate in good faith.
The “do’s” are frequently about clarity, understanding and making sure you’re presenting yourself in the best possible light. The “don’ts” are responses to bad behavior from others that makes things worse for everyone. There’s more focus on the “don’ts” in no small part because you can’t guarantee success by following the “dos” but you sure as s--t can ensure failure by ignoring the “don’ts” – and make things worse for everyone else.
So while learning the “rules” is important, it’s not about dogmatically following them like a robot. It’s a starting point for understanding the whys and wherefores of social interaction. As you gain more social fluency and experience, you start to recognize which do’s and don’ts apply to you and when, which do not and why, and – importantly – how to respond if and when you mess up.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com