DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was an infant. My father had weekend visitations with me sporadically, if at all. Growing up, I was super angry at him for leaving and blamed him for not being around while I was abused by my stepfather. I haven't seen my father in person since I was 18.

As a 40-year-old woman with kids, I'm thinking about reaching out. My kids are curious about their grandfather. I'm curious about his life. Can I really be mature enough to get to know him? How do I keep my anger in check and not demand an answer for every bad deed on his part? Is it worth it? I don't want to be manipulated. The rest of his family doesn't speak to him, either. -- REVISITING HISTORY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR REVISITING: Have you ever tried discussing the reason for the failure of your parents' marriage with the other relatives? If you haven't, you should. If she stood silently by while you were abused by her second husband, she bears part of the responsibility for the abuse.

Because you feel the need to know about your father's life, reach out and ask him. There is usually more than one side to stories like this. However, your chances of getting the answers you're looking for will improve if you refrain from doing it with a chip on your shoulder.

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons, 28 and 23. My 23-year-old has pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS). He has always struggled in school, with friends, society, jobs and in dealing with his emotional highs and lows.

My older son and his fiancee tell me I should force him to go out on his own -- "make him snap out of it." I have tried to explain his condition, but they don't listen because it's not considered a severe disability disease. They are convinced he will be fine and that I need to stop caring for him. My mother and brother, who have been very involved in my son's life, feel I'm doing the right thing by looking for a home where he will have his own separate apartment.

How do I get through to these insistent individuals that I am doing what is best for him? I have supported my oldest son and his fiancee and son extensively over the years, while my youngest son never asks for financial help. I try to give equally of myself to both of my children, and I can't understand why they want to see my youngest suffer. Please advise. -- CARING MOM IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR CARING MOM: Your older son and his fiancee may have taken the stance they have because of jealousy, greed or ignorance. Your younger son should be forced out on his own so he will "snap out of it"? You are a responsible and protective parent, doing what you feel is right for a son with challenges.

That said, have you considered what his future will be if something should happen to you? For this reason, start a discussion with your son's doctor about what supportive services for him are available should it become necessary, so you -- and he -- will be prepared. Clearly, your older son and his fiancee can't be counted on.

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I recently had a baby, and it has created some major issues with my mom and in-laws. Mom is an unhappy person who blames others and external factors for her unhappiness. She laments her unhappiness to me. She's incredibly jealous of any time we spend with my partner's family. She makes mean comments about them to me and questions the amount of time we spend with them.

Having her in the same room as any of my partner's family is stressful. It even stresses me out when she asks me if I've seen them. We spend a lot of time with both families and see both once a week. Additionally, Mom comes over once during the week to see the baby and stay for dinner.

My partner is wonderfully supportive and kind. He continues to welcome Mom into our home and treat her well. However, I don't think it's fair to my partner to be treated poorly and to know that Mom says mean things about their family. I've tried speaking to my father about this, but he says things like, "That's how she is; you can't change someone. Just remain neutral."

I feel helpless and I'm not sure what to do -- give Mom an ultimatum about her behavior, never have both families in the same room, or move far away? I tried speaking with both my parents. It didn't change her behavior. Any advice? -- STRESSED OVER THIS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR STRESSED: Although you cannot change your mother's attitude, you can do something to change her behavior. The next time she questions you about the time you are spending with your partner's family, your response should be, "Mom, you already know the answer to that question. Stop asking." The next time she says something derogatory about them, tell her you are aware of how she feels, you love these people, she's making you uncomfortable and to stop. It may take repeating, but eventually you may get through. If that doesn't happen, you may wind up seeing less of her, which would be a relief.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widow who has been in a long-term relationship with a widower. I am concerned about his relationship with his 27-year-old daughter. She wants time with him, excluding me, and he encourages it and hides it from me. Most recently, they traveled out of state together and he didn't tell me. I think this is abnormal and I find it confusing. He says she has anxiety and needs to spend time with him. Should I be concerned? -- EXCLUDED IN OHIO

DEAR EXCLUDED: If your gentleman friend and his daughter have to smuggle their times together past you, there is a reason. The reason may be that you seem to disapprove of him spending alone time with his daughter. He shouldn't have to explain or make excuses for it. He's the only parent she has left. If you and he are able to have ample private time to keep your relationship flourishing, I see no reason for concern. If you can't accept that they are a package deal, find another gentleman friend.

DEAR ABBY: I'm divorced and have been dating my guy friend for five years. We recognized after we started dating that we love each other, and we planned to move in together after a year of dating. I was so excited when we started making plans that I reached out to my guy's ex-wife and daughter as a friendly gesture.

His daughter was getting married later in the year, so I tried to reassure her that I understood how stressful a big wedding is, and I wouldn't be offended if I wasn't invited. I wasn't invited. Following the wedding, the first time I met his ex-wife and children was excruciating. His daughter was very unpleasant to me.

Now, years later, the situation has not improved. If I try to be Facebook friends, his daughter accepts my offer, but limits what I can see. This is ridiculous. After five years, I would like to just gently close that door. Is that being mean or realistic? -- TRIED, AND TRIED AGAIN

DEAR TRIED: When you reached out to your partner's daughter, perhaps you came on a little too strong. It seems like a warm and caring gesture, unless your relationship was the reason his marriage ended. Have you talked to your partner about it? Perhaps he can help. This situation won't improve if you "gently close the door." You don't need to track his adult daughter's activities on Facebook. (If she hated you, she would block you entirely.) It couldn't hurt to step back and stick with the status quo, and that's what I recommend.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together 30 years and married for 25. We have four wonderful adult children and four beautiful grandchildren. We started our family very young and are now entering our 50s. I'm ready to get out and travel the world, but my husband wants to move closer to one of our children to help with the kids. We have had many loud conversations regarding my unwillingness to raise children all over again. I love my grandchildren, but having been a mother since I was 16, I'm enjoying my newfound freedom.

Our son and his wife both have successful careers. They can afford quality child care, and I don't see the need for us to uproot our lives and move hours away just to be on-call babysitters. I love the town we live in, and I'm starting to resent his relentless "persuasion" and suggestions that relocation is what "most grandmothers would love to do." Advice? -- STAYING PUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR STAYING: Having raised four wonderful children since the age of 16, your feelings are understandable. I will assume that your husband wants to uproot your lives because he is retired and has nothing meaningful to occupy his time. Please do not allow him to wear you down if you are not equally enthusiastic about becoming an on-call babysitter. You deserve to travel if you have the means to do it. He could take that time to travel to wherever your son and his family live and give them a break in your absence. That way you will both be doing something you enjoy.